Fifty Shades of Keith

Open: A ratty apartment. Teribithia Coppertone is talking with her mom, errrr, roommate, Melanie.

Melanie - Teri, later today I have to do this interview with the successful billionaire, Seventh Day Adventist Keith, for my high school paper, the Redmond High Picayune. I’m feeling under the weather, so I was hoping you could go do the interview in my place.

Teri - I could literally spend this entire movie explaining why that sentence was garbage. Let’s start with the fact that you’re in your sixties, and there’s no way you’re in high school.

Melanie - Acting!

Teri - Genius!

Scene: Keith’s office. Teribithia walks in, has an old fashioned paper notepad and pencil.

Keith - Melanie?

Teri - She’s sick, so I’m filling in for her. My name is Teribithia Coppertone.

Keith - I’m Seventh Day Adventist Keith.

Teri - Is Seventh your first name?

Keith - No. My full name is Seventh Day Adventist The Dingo Ate My Baby Keith. Just call me Keith.

Teri - Okay Keith. So, ummm, [Teri bites her lip], I’m supposed to ask these questions. Let’s start with the basics. What is the secret of your success?

Keith - Hard work.

Teri - That’s it?

Keith - Yup. I work hard. I fuck hard, too. But hard work is how you succeed.

Teri - So, you running a billion dollar empire doesn’t have anything to do with you inheriting a billion dollar empire?

Keith - Nope.

Teri - So....... If hard work is the key to success, why isn’t Dominican Lou a billionaire?

Keith - Dominican Who?

Teri - Dominican Lou. He’s the super at my building, but he’s rarely there, since he has like seven other jobs. He works really hard. So, by your logic, he should be successful, but it barely seems like he’s scraping by.

Keith - Well, I work harder than him. Fuck harder, too.

Teri - Really.

Keith - Yowp.

Teri - So... This hard work you do. What, exactly, is it??

Keith - Uh, financial stuff. It would go way over your pretty little head.

Teri - Try me.

Keith - Fine. [ZZZZZZZZZZZZZIP]

Teri - Put it back in your pants, that’s not what I meant. I meant, try explaining to me this complicated financial hard work you do.

Keith - Well... I... Uhhhh... Carefully monitor the... Err... McDonald agricultural index... For... Derivative economic trends... In the... Uhhh... Chinese Dong.

Teri - McDonald agricultural index? As in old McDonald? With the farm?

Keith - NO! A completely different old McDonald. And he didn’t have a farm. He had an agricultural index.

Teri - And how exactly is that hard work?

Keith - I’m on the phone, like, all the time, so I have to, you know, adjust the earpiece thing constantly, and I’m on the computer, so I’m computering it up. It’s hard!

Teri - Uh huh. This interview is over. Good day, sir.

Keith - And good day to you, sir.

Scene: A shot of an answering machine.

Answering Machine - BEEEEEEP. Ola! Es Lou. I cannot come to the phone right now, because I working all the tie. Leave a message, and I will get back to you when I no working, which is never. Adios! BEEEEEEEP.

Teri’s voice - Lou, this is Teribithia Coppertone. I’m in room 237. I... I have to see you. As soon as possible. This is related to official business, and not me wanting you inside me. Since you can’t really get back to me, I’ll have to take care of myself. No! I will find you! Eep! I’m frazzled. Just... Wait for me.

Scene: A shot of a computer screen.

E-Mail - To: Teribitha_Coppertone@Universityofredmond.edu

From: SeventhdayKeith@Evilcorp.org

Dear Teribithia. You did not get to ask all your questions during our interview, so I am e-mailing you the answers now. My favorite color is grey. My favorite food is lich, my favorite sport is lich, and my favorite animal is lich. You must think that I’m phoning these answers in, but I’m not, since I am actually using e-mail.

Listen, the questions aren’t the only reason I’m e-mailing you. You learned all about me, so I figured it’s only fair that I would learn a few things about you. You’re 22, are about to graduate from the university of redmond with a degree in art history, and you work at the Home Plus store at the corner of 5th and Gates. How do I know this? Let’s just say that wealth has its perks. I paid seven million euros for that information.

I have to see you. As soon as possible. Please drop by my office any time.

I fuck hard,

Keith.

Scene: The hallways of Teri’s apartment building. Dominican Lou is walking down the hallway, toolbox in hand. Teri runs up to him.

Teri - Lou! Wait up.

Lou - Es a young white lady. Ola. I no have the tie, I need to get to work.

Teri - I know, I know. Listen, it’s me... Teribithia, from Room 237.

Lou - Ah! Si, si! Is your toilet clogged again? I will fix as soon as I can.

Teri - No, that’s not it. And, for the record, that isn’t me, that’s my roommate Melanie. I am very... Delicate... When it comes to those matters.

Lou - You make delicate poo?

Teri - I do. Listen Lou, I need to talk to you.

Lou - I no have the tie. I need to get to work.

Teri - I know... It’s just... Lou. I’ve been thinking about you... A LOT... And...

Lou - Bye now! Ju no eat beans and cabbage! Adios!

Teri - [rips a huge fart, causing her dress to waft up, marilyn monroe style] [she frowns]

Scene: Home Plus. Teri has a price gun, and is pricing hoses. Keith walks up.

Keith - Teribithia.

Teri - Mr. Keith? What are you doing here?

Keith - Looking for you. I know you work here, remember? Money well spent.

Teri - Uhhhhhh, so, are you looking for anything in particular?

Keith - Teribithia, what are you doing here?

Teri - Working. It’s the secret to success, remember?

Keith - Sure... for men. And brown people. Not for *YOU*.

Teri - Why not for me!?

Keith - Have you seen you?! You’re smoking hot! Girls who look like you don’t work in a Home Plus. EVER. Unless your only ambition is to make hicks who need tools cream their jeans, you need to be doing something better.

Teri - Better, like what?

Keith - Like being with me. Move in to my place. I’ve already cleared out a room for you. It’s got pictures of my abs and other girly shit that you’ll love. Let’s get out of here.

Teri - I don’t think so. Now scat.

Keith - Sheeba de bop beep bop shabeeba bop. Wait, I actually do need some tools. I need a shovel, some rope, and some bleach.

Teri - Wow, three fifths of a do it yourself murder kit. Add some duct tape and a bucket and you’ll have everything you need.

Keith - I have no idea what you’re talking about. But if you have those things, go ahead and grab them for me. What’s the bucket for? Wait, don’t tell me. I’ll figure it out. Shyte, right? Yep, a good old fashioned shytebucket. That doesn’t really... Make any sense... Never mind. I’m sure it will come to me. How much does all that stuff come to? You know what, don’t even tell me. Make up a number and get in touch with my people.

Scene: A hallway, in front of a closet. Lou has a mop. Teri comes running up to him.

Teri - Lou!! Wait up!

Lou - Ola! Oh, es ju. Listen, I working, I no have the tie.

Teri - Ooooooh. Is that your playroom?? Where you keep your... dildos and stuff? [Teri bites her lip]

Lou - This is closet. I keep toilet paper. I’m sure you need.

Teri - I told you that wasn’t me. [Farts] Excuse you. Please Lou, just hear me out. I have a contract for you.

Lou - A Contract? Ju... Want to hire me?

Teri - Not exactly. This isn’t an employment contract... It’s a sex contract.

Lou - Que?

Teri [starts flipping through pages of the contract] - Listen, there’s a whole lot of legal jargon in here, it’s pretty complicated... But... It basically boils down to this. I have to do whatever you say. Sexually. If I refuse, you get to come on my face.

Lou - I no have the tie.

Teri - Wait, wait!!! Here’s the thing. So... When you tell me what to do... If I obey... You get to come on my face.

Lou - No.

Teri - PLEASE, LOU, JUST COME ON MY FACE!!!

Lou - I WORKING!!!

Scene: Teri and Melanie’s apartment. Teri is talking with Melanie.

Teri - Mom... I mean my friend in high school Melanie... It’s so complicated with Lou. I want to be with him, but he’s working all the tie.

Melanie - Need I remind of you of a modern classic from 1988? A little picture called WORKING GIRL? If anyone knows about working, it’s fucking me.

Teri - He works so hard... He is the America! I want America inside me. And all over my face. Why is it so hard???

Melanie - Fucking Working Girl. That’s what we were saying. Millenials don’t understand metaphor anymore.

Teri - Or possibly they’ve never heard of your movie. I hadn’t, until just now. What do I do?

Melanie - I know you’re hot, but that’s not enough anymore. Guys are into the weird sex stuff.

Teri - Weird? Like what?

Melanie - Start with this. Go find your dad, and fuck him.

Teri - Aight.

Melanie - Use your thighs and put his head in the miami vice. If he’s rocking the 3-day chin stubble, and doing it right, he’ll sand all your flesh off. Down there you’ll look like the Exxon Valdez on its period.

Teri - Great. Then what?

Melanie - I don’t know! Fucking win! Just get it done.

Scene: Teri and Keith walking in the garden.

Keith - Teri... I need to come clean. This whole thing... It’s not about sex. It’s about... You know... Core.

Teri - We’re not together. I don’t even know how we ended up in this scene with each other.

Keith - That’s the point. We ARE together. I know I’m screwed up. This is fifty shades of... Me. I need you.

Teri - What’s that smell?

Keith - Say what now?

Teri - Is that... A shytebucket?

Keith - You know what, Teri? Fuck you. Telling me to get a fucking bucket, what the fuck. And your goddamn store charged me a hundred and eighty thousand dollars for that bucket, so you’re damn right I used it.

Teri - Seventh Day Adventist The Dingo Ate My Baby Keith, I would say it’s over, but it never was. Goodbye.

Keith - It’s not over until the… Uhhh… Whatevs.

[Keith strangles Teri]

Scene: The garden. Keith is there with Lou.

Lou - Ju need work done?

Keith - Yeah. Here’s what I need. Get rid of this body, and make sure there are no traces for the cops to find.

Lou - Ah si, si. I need shovel, rope, bleach, duct tape, and a bucket.

Keith - Wow, I actually have all that stuff. Here you go.

Lou - ..... This bucket has shyte in it.

Keith - WHAT THE FUCK WAS I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH IT?!

Teri - Ugh. What happened?

Keith - You’re alive! I mean... Uhhh... ‘Sup, girl?

Teri - Lou?! I’m so glad you’re here!

Lou - I no have the tie.

Keith - So, I’m just gonna wrap this movie up right around here, for no real reason.

Teri - LOU!!!!

Lou - Que?

Keith - I’m out.

THE END?

Preppin’ hype steppin’ up to the crew pull back the action check the safety ‘SOFF BOYEEEE Keith had been on the outside ‘lil over a week, and it wasn’t gon stick. Not for him. Then Slimy Bob calls with a new score, a score so big it would be the end. Except it wasn’t going to be the end, because the sun never sets on those that ride into it.

Keith put together his crew. Those foos back in the day got him clipped, so he needed a real crew. Asian guy, check. Black guy, check. Woman, check. Asian woman, don’t be ridiculous. This wasn’t 1994, this was 2025, and so a bunch of pasty faced bros warn’t gonna cut it. You needed a new crew to fit the new age, and we’re talking age of crime, not hippie bullshit.

Weeks of prep, drills, team building exercises with the woman, where the team was dem nuts. They were gonna PAY for putting Keith in the clink, and they were the banks. The man. The MONEY.

Go time.

Keith and crew charge into the bank. “On the ground! You know the drill, do what we say and nobody gets hurt! Put the money in the bag!”

“Ummm... What? We don’t have any money here.”

“We know you have the money, you’re a bank!”

“Sir, this is the West Bank. We don’t have any money. We have the opposite of money: Kids. Are you here to take our kids?!”

“No.”

“You bastard!! How DARE you take our precious little ones!”

“I don’t want your kids.”

“Children, I’m so sorry, but this western imperialist pig-dog and his guns are demanding you go with him! We’ll miss you so much!! There are NOT jillions more where you came from, and you are NOT replaceable! We will have our revenge, western scum!!”

“Revenge for what?! We’re leaving. Without any kids.”

“Your parents love youuuuuuuu almost as much as they hate this western demon!” were the last words as the kids were booted into the getaway car as the rubber started peeling.

Thus, Keith made his way back to the united states, without the money, but with 30 kids.

The first rule of no money is to turn it into money. Keith got Slimy Bob on the horn. “Yo Bob! I got thirty kids I need to dump on the black market.”

“Coolcoolcool. I’ll be able to clear an easy 250K. Gimme the deets.”

“Just to be clear, these kids WILL be going to loving families, right?”

“Um, sure. Whaddya got? USDA prime cali blond? I can get extra for that.”

“They’re from the West Bank.”

“What?”

“The kids are from the West Bank.”

“Oh. Let me barf.” BAAAAAAAAAAAAARF. “So... Uh... The current going rate for a West Bank kid is negative 10K. I’ll need 300K from you to take them off your hands.”

“I don’t have that kind of money!”

“Then I’m not taking the damn kids!” *click*

When did cell phones start making clicking noises when you hung up?!

So the unofficial channels were out. Time to hit the official channels. Keith made his way into the building of government services and awesomeness.

“Hey, I got 30 kids that are requesting asylum.”

“Great! What are we talking? Schizo, psychosis, or old fashioned pee in the face?”

“Not that kind of asylum. The kind where their country is too dangerous so they want to go to the United States to be safe.”

“Are those the kids?”

“Yeah.”

“Caint.”

“What?”

“Title 42 says they caint apply for asylum to the united states while they’re currently in the united states.”

“Title Moby Dick says ‘Call me Ishmael’, bitch. Listen, those kids can’t go back to their home country in order to apply for asylum. They’ll probably be killed.”

“Not my problem.”

“It might not be your problem, but can’t it be your solution?”

“Why would I want to solve a problem that’s not mine?”

“To be nice?”

“This isn’t Niceland, jerkoff. This is EARTH. Now take your smelly kids and get the fuck out of here before I call ICE.”

So Keith took the kids and got the fuck out, and the guy called ICE anyway. EARTH.

Agent T and company scoped out the property. They got a tip that a bunch of illegals were ILLEGALYING IT UP here at the residence of “Keith”. They were probably gang members. It was go time! Unfortunately, the ICE agents were unaware that, back in the day, they called him Ke “Kevin McAllister” ith, because his house was covered in so many traps a mouse would go insane.

As in he lay in the bed of punji sticks, Agent T glanced over at the marbles that had done him in. To the right, one of his colleagues had their face caved in by a paint can, and over to the left, somebody had been cut in half by some tape. Agent T’s final thoughts were that perhaps 15 years as a line cook at sizzler weren’t sufficient training to be a government agent. But the steaks... Were... So... Cheap.

Keith and kids fled to SoCal, where Keith found a school known to enroll ‘less than legal’ children. Keith went to talk to the principal. “Hey! This is Keith. I want to enroll 30 kids.”

“We see them. Pass.”

“What?”

“We don’t want your kids.”

“Why not?”

“Quite frankly... They’re dirty.”

“They don’t fuck each other! Much.”

“I mean they’re literally covered in dirt. The kids we enroll might not be strictly legal, but they’re clean. Hardworking.”

“Is that why all your ‘students’ are picking oranges?”

“Don’t you worry about that. The point is, your children are just... Blech. No thanks.”

School was out. Principal was an ass, but he had one thing right. Kids had to earn. So Keith turned them into a fleet of pickpockets, until an old guy rolled up on him.

“Oi! Listen, ya right tosser! They call me the Fartful Codger. This is MY turf. If anyone’s running a gang of pinchers, it’s ME. So take your bleedin’ kids and leave!”

*Brap* *brap* *brap* <----- not a gun.

“Uh, you can have the kids for your gang.”

“Are you mento?! I got me own bloody tykes to worry about. You just take off or you’re getting the ol’ boot straight in the john thomas what.”

Keith called Jim “Sound of Freedom” Ballard.

“Hey Jim, I, uh, ‘rescued’ thirty kids.”

“Good on you!”

“What do I do with them?”

“What?”

“You saved all those kids, right? What did you do with them?”

“I’m not really involved in that end of things. I’m sure they’re with great families, because THE GOVERNMENT TOTALLY SUCKS.”

“Well, who do I contact to do that for my kids?”

“Like I said, I’m not involved with that end.”

“Can you give me a phone number?”

“Not involved.”

“Did you really save those kids?”

“Sure did!”

“What were their names?”

“Ummm... Let’s see... Kofi Kupp... Vindo Glass... Egg McMuffin...”

“I am getting the sense... that you are actually trash.”

“Sorry, gotta run! THE GOVERNMENT TOTALLY SUCKS! Magaaaaaaa!”

*click*

There was one last shot. Opening night at the kevin james memorial theater. Keith and Kids Improv Comedy Troupe.

“Okay kids, this is it, your last shot. Here’s the scene. Sh’Bleeb, you’re a tortoise that’s in a race with a rabbit. Pez, you’re a construction worker on break. GO!”

“Uh... Hey there missus... Um, tortoise. How is the race going?”

“Go fuck yourself.”

“You go fuck yourself.”

“Nope.”

“Aaaaaaaaaaand scene!!” Keith beamed, “You did it! You’re finally Americans!”

The End.

DOON, PART I

	[Scene: The dining room of the palatial estate, where JESSICA ATREIDES, witch, is having breakfast with her son, KEITH ATREIDES, scion of house Atreides]

	Keith
	Mother, will you please hand me a glass of water?

	Jessica
	Use the voice.

	Keith
	Biiiiiiitch, gimme the waaa-tare.

	[Jessica picks up a glass of water, and splashes it in Keith’s face]

	Jessica
	See?  Remember your training.

	[Keith picks up Jessica’s glass of water, stares at it, and splashes it in her face.  Jessica regards Keith with furious anger, then jumps on him, and they start making out.  Keith goes ‘Doon’ on Jessica]

	Jessica
	We really need to stop doing this.

	Keith
	Hey, we’re not the problem here.  We’re just the symptom of the problem.  SOCIETY is the problem.  [Slurp].

	Jessica
	Fair enough.  Just don’t get too attached to your eyes.

	Keith
	Wait, what?

	[Scene:  The fighter bay.  Ace pilot DIMBULB RHODE ISLAND lands a fighter plane, and Keith is there to greet him.  They embrace.]

	Dimbulb
	Keith!  I just got back from Doon.  The Harkonnens left the planet a mess after the emperor decreed that house Atreides take over the spice harvesting.  I gotta say, there was a lot of spice.

	Keith
	How was the spice?

	Dimbulb
	Spicy.

	Keith
	Like a spicy meataballa?

	Dimbulb
	More like spicy…  Balls.

	[Dimbulb and Keith stare at each other.  Dimbulb jumps on Keith and they start making out.]

	[Scene, Keith is walking with LETO ATREIDES, his father and patron of the noble House Atreides]

	Leto
	This ring is the birthright of the male heir to house Atreides.  My father bequeathed it to me, and one day I will bequeath it to you.

	Keith
	So, we have space travel and starships and energy shields and stuff, but we still have the divine right of kings?  How does that make any sense?

	Leto
	It makes perfect sense!!  It’s genetics.  One day, you will use my superior genes to rule house Atreides.

	Keith
	Well, mom says I’m going to be jesus or whatever.

	Leto
	You need to know something, son.  And that’s that mommy thinks she’s magic.  There is no magic.  There is only power.  Don’t focus on a bunch of mumbo jumbo written eons ago, focus on what’s important:  MY legacy.

	Keith
	What if I don’t want to be the ruler of house Atreides?  What if I want to focus on other stuff?

	Leto
	What ‘other stuff’ might you be referring to?

	[Keith and Leto stare at each other.  Leto jumps on Keith and they start making out.]

	Leto
	Don’t tell your mother.

	[Scene, a large chamber, where the REVEREND MOTHER of the Yumpin’ Yehosaphats is sitting down.  The only other person in the room is Keith, who is standing in front of her]

	Reverend Mother
	This is the blargle margleflargle.

	Keith
	It is not.

	Reverend Mother
	Yes it is.  It is coated with the deadliest poison in the universe.  One small prick and you will instantly die.

	Keith
	Lame.  What’s in the box?

	Reverend Mother
	Pain.

	Keith
	Wrong.  Open it up and check it out.

	[The reverend mother opens the box]

	Reverend Mother
	Is that…

	Keith
	Yoop.

	Reverend Mother
	Just how did that get in there?

	Keith
	Want me to outline the steps for you?

	Reverend Mother
	That won’t be necessary.  I’ve figured it out based on where you’re standing.

	Keith
	Listen, I know that that’s not the box you want that in.

	[The reverend mother raises an eyebrow, then jumps on Keith and they start making out.  Keith goes ‘Doon’ on her].

	Keith
	You realize I’m 16 and you’re like, 395.  You’re gross.

	Reverend Mother
	Armie hammer is gross.  I’m just a woman with needs.

	Keith
	Whatever.  Consider your wrinkly ass cancelled.

	Reverend Mother
	Far greater men than you have tried to cancel me.

	Keith
	Um, I have like 73 followers on Instospice.

	Reverend Mother
	I stand corrected.

	[Jessica Atreides bursts into the room]

	Jessica
	Keith!  You’re alive!

	Keith
	Yes, and I did it by actually passing the test, and not by having sex with the Reverend Mother.

	Jessica
	That’s a relief.  Otherwise, I might have gotten jealous.

	Keith
	SOCIETYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!

	Reverend Mother
	You’ve grown arrogant, Jessica, because you think you’ve given birth to the Queefitz Beebeeyorf.

	Jessica
	Haven’t I?

	Reverend Mother
	Foolish girl!

	[Scene:  The planet Arakkis, aka Doon.  House Atreides has landed, and is taking over spice harvesting operations from the departed house Harkonnen.  STILGARBAGE, the leader of the frethem, the native peoples of Doon, enters the royal chamber, where Leto, Keith, and other members are waiting.  Stilgarbage walks up to Leto and spits in his face]

	Leto
	Thank you for the gift of your moisture.

	Stilgarbage
	Ummm…  Y’ar welcome?  Because that’s what I was doing.  Giving you ‘the gift of my moisture’.  Yeah.  That’s the ticket.  I gots more moisture where that came from, so let me know if you want it.

	Keith
	I’ll take it!

	Stilgarbage
	….  That is excellent.

	Leto
	So is it true that you frethem drink your own pee?

	Stilgarbage
	Yes.

	[With that exposition dump out of the way, we move to the HEART OF THE EMPIRE, where the reverend mother is talking with HELMUT, leader of the SAUERKRAUT, the emporer’s elite guards]

	Reverend Mother
	So, you have two legions of Sauerkraut ready to assist the Harkonnens when they invade Doon?

	Helmut
	Jawuhl.  Wie obey all commands of der fuh…  Er…  Der Emperor.

	Reverend Mother
	Dope.  Remember, the boy and his mother are not to be harmed.  We have plans for them.

	Helmut
	Nein!  Wie must murderspielen das wunderjesus.

	Reverend Mother
	Biiiiiiiitch, DO WHAT I SAY.  Das wunderjesus is off limits!

	Helmut
	Ach!!  Foine.  Wie take them, drop them in das desert.

	[Scene, the Atreides palace back on Doon.  Alarms start going off.  Leto Atreides is running down the hallway]

	Leto
	Somebody deactivated all the shields and let the Harkonnens in!  We have a traitor in our midst!

	[A dart hits Leto in the back.  AL LEONG, family physician to house Atreides, steps out of the shadows]

	Leto
	YOU’RE the traitor?

	Al Leong
	The Harkonnens have my wife and son.  If I didn’t betray you, they were going to kill them!

	Leto
	I’m pretty sure the Harkonnens are going to kill you as well.

	Al Leong
	What makes you say that?

	Leto
	Call it a gut feeling.  Anyway, thanks for betraying me, dick.

	[Al Leong takes Leto’s ring, and wraps it in a red cloth.  We don’t have space for the scene, but baron Harkonnen eventually does kill Al Leong.  Nobody trusts a traitor!]
	[Scene, inside a sky transport.  Keith and Jessica have been captured by the Sauerkraut, who are disguised as Harkonnens so that nobody knows the emperor has aided the takedown of house Atreides.  Shhh!  They are flying Keith and Jessica into the desert to drop them off, as per the reverend mother’s orders]

	Keith
	Geez, it’s a real sausage fest in here.  Out there, too.  Come on guys, it’s not 8945 anymore.  It's 8969.  Chicks can be soldiers too.

	Guard #1
	Chicks can be witches and harlots.

	Keith
	My good sir, I concede the floor.  

	[Jessica glares at Keith]

	Keith
	Umm..  Biiiiiitch, ungag my mother.

	Guard #2
	I think not.

	Keith
	Well then, how about you untie me and we get it on?

	Guard #2
	As a guard, I feel like that wouldn’t be the best move.  However, as a living organism with sexual appetites, you are ridiculous.  So I’m going to go ahead and agree.

	[Guard #2 unties Keith, jumps on him, and they start making out.  Thirty minutes later, Keith Sonny Chiba’s his junk and guard #2 bleeds out.  Keith ungags Jessica]

	Jessica
	Biiiiitch, kill each other!

	[The remaining guards kill each other.  With nobody to pilot the transport, it crashes.  Keith and Jessica survive, and start trekking through the desert]

	Keith
	Wait!  We can’t walk normally.  We’ll attract the sandworms.  I watched a video.  You have to walk like this, it’s called a moonwalk.

	[Keith starts walking backwards.  Jessica also starts walking backwards, and a sandworm eats her]

	Keith
	Damn.  Maybe it was the electric slide?

	[Jessica digs her way out of the sand]

	Jessica
	Dumbass.  If I weren’t a witch, I’d probably be dead.  And if I weren’t boinking you, and you weren’t destined to lead my sect to salvation, I’d probably kill you.

	Keith
	I ain’t leadin’ nuthin’.  Anyway, let’s try it again, this time with feeling.

	[Keith and Jessica start electric sliding through the desert, with some funky chicken thrown in.  They are ambushed by the frethem, led by Stilgarbage and JAMIS, his second in command]

	Stilgarbage
	It’s a witch and her son.  We should take them to the elders.

	Jamis
	No!  We don’t have the resources to support them.  We would be better off taking their moisture.  I challenge the woman to bangagong!

	Jessica
	Let’s get it on.

	Stilgarbage
	No, you cannot challenge the witch, for reasons.

	Jamis
	Fine, then I challenge her champion.

	[Everybody looks at Keith]

	Keith
	What’s going on here?

	Jamis
	I will teach you the ways of desert, boy.

	[Jamis unzips his water reclamation suit.  Keith unzips his cloak, pulls out a knife and stabs Jamis]

	Keith
	I already know the ways of the desert.  Listen up, fools!  In case you didn’t know, I’m like the all powerful shit or whatever.  So no more challenges.  And if any of you freaks even THINKS of laying their hands on my mother, we’re going to be in that tent right over there, you’re welcome to join us.

	Frethem #3
	Wow, just like the prophecy!

	Frethem #5
	A toast to the one who will lead us to overthrow our oppressors!

	[All the frethem raise glasses of pee, and drink them]

	Frethem #5
	That is some damn good pee.

	Keith
	Hook a brother up.

	END PART I

This is why people, myself included, hate critics.

——

“Uncle Boonmee” is a fine watch, especially if you’re feeling contemplative. “Ong-Bak” is, objectively, one of the best action movies of all time. Contrary to what those dingalings over at Sight and Sound would have you believe, action movies ARE actually movies. Does Uncle Boonmee throw a foo out a window, jump out after him, and knee him in the dome while he’s still in the air? He does not. He recalls his past lives. Rumination contemplation versus defeneskneetration. YOU tell ME which is better. Yup, that’s what I thought.

Turns out, you and I aren’t the only ones who think “Uncle Boonmee” being ranked higher than “Ong-Bak” is an offense to all of the cinema. The god of explosions was so pissed, they straight up plucked Thailand from its home in the Caribbean, and gave the Thai people a choice: Be dropped down in southeast Asia, or Detroit. After a brief deliberation, the people of Thailand made their sophie’s choice, and thus Thailand was moved to southeast Asia where it resides to this day. You might think it’s unfair for the god of explosions to punish the people that made the movie, rather than the critics who ranked it... But who are we to question the decisions of the gods? Besides... I suspect those Sight and Sound critics might want to get their Lions and Red Wings caps ready.

The result of this sudden change was that Thailand has spent the last 15 years making really brutal action movies, clearly in an attempt to appease the god of explosions and get back to their Caribbean home. Which brings us around to “The Last Shot”.

Is there enough action in “The Last Shot” to appease the god of explosions? I don’t actually know. I fell asleep at around the 35 minute mark and didn’t wake up until there were 5 minutes left in the movie. I will say, there was definitely some gun violence during the scenes where I was awake, and not in the john woo/wick “ballistic ballet” style, but more in the “shoot some guy in the chest and he dies in a shower of blood” style. It’s not especially adrenaline pumping… but it *is* brutal.

What stood out the most from the first act, however, is the hero’s girlfriend. She works as a hostess at a hostess club. For those western folks who might not be in the know, a “hostess club” is where a gentleman can go, sit down, and a pretty girl will join him at his table, and they start playing little game. The gentleman is doing his best to convince himself that a pretty young stranger is actually into him, while the girl is trying to get him to buy the most expensive drinks possible.

You know what? I’m cool with it. Get your joy where you can. Get your hustle on where you can. For a lot of middle aged guys, it makes sense to spend your evening with a pretty girl in a hostess club rather than with your wife. Neither the girl nor your wife will actually have sex with you, but at least the girl is pretending to be interested in whatever nonsense you want to talk about, whereas your wife stopped being interested years ago. And if you’re a hostess, hey, go and make that money, and don’t let nobody be giving you no flak for it neither. The ‘hero’ of the movie straight up asks his girlfriend “Why are you selling yourself at this club?!” and she responds by saying “Why are you a gangster thug?!”. Normally, I find appeal to hypocrisy to be the weakest of debate sauces, but in this case, I was like “Girrrrrrrrrrrrrrlllllllllllllllll!!!!!!!”. Because she’s right, he has no moral authority to judge her! NOBODY does, because ‘morality’ is an artificial construct anyway. Do you know what’s not an artificial construct? Rent. And she has to pay it somehow. That’s a lie, rent actually is a construct, but that doesn’t change what I’m saying.

This amazing hostess ALSO eats her tom yum with her chopsticks in one hand and her spoon in the other hand. What??? Are you supposed to dual wield utensils when eating tom yum? Let me know in the comments below. Actually, don’t, because there currently IS no comment section!

All in all, I would say that 40 minutes of “The Last Shot” is a fine entry in a long list of god of explosions appeasement films from Thailand. Keep it going, guys, I’m sure all will eventually be forgiven. By the way, tom yum is delicious, you should order some.

3/10

——

The movie really begins during a scene where Sasha (Charlize) encounters Ben (Taron) in the woods. She doesn’t know him. He seems friendly and wants to help her out. While watching this scene unfold, I realized why Charlize couldn’t be the hunter. If you came into this movie having no idea what it was about (it’s too late for *you* to do this, so we’re talking a theoretical person), and you watched Sasha talk to this friendly bloke... You would start to be afraid for her. As the scene went on, even as Ben remained helpful and friendly, that fear would start to amplify. Because Sasha is a woman and Ben is a man. Sasha is a tall, fit, imposing woman, and Ben is a pretty small dude. This is FURIOSA squaring off against Elton John. But it doesn’t matter, you’re afraid for Furiosa.

It’s because of the shroud that covers all interactions between men and women: Men are scary. Women are not.

Now, if Charlize was dressed like Furiosa and had a metal arm... Then maybe that feeling of dread would lessen. But that’s how far you have to go. That’s how culturally ingrained this archetype of the terrifying man is. If you wanted to make an action thriller, then at the end of scene Sasha could pull out a crossbow, tell Ben he’s got a five minute head start, and you’re off to the races. But, if you want what ‘Apex’ is, a horror movie, you can’t. You’re spending the entire scene between Sasha and Ben being afraid on her behalf. If she pulls out the crossbow, the movie is asking you to suddenly switch allegiances. To be afraid for ‘him’. It’s a huge ask, and it’s not going to happen for a lot of the audience. But if *he* pulls out the crossbow, it’s the gong striking at the end of a crescendo of fear that’s been building up. Having Ben be the hunter is the only way the movie remains scary.

And that sucks.

I hate it. I hate that, if a woman and man meet each other for the first time, her default state might very possibly be fear, and his won’t. I’m not saying every woman is afraid of every strange man... Of course that’s not true. What I am saying... Is we have *thousands of years* of men physically brutalizing and subjugating women. Evolutionary biology TELLS HER to be afraid of strange men. Rightly so. For the women that don’t have that fear or can easily put it to the side, that’s awesome. For those that can’t... I genuinely empathize with them, even if I can’t fully understand what they’re going through because I haven’t been through it myself.

What’s worse, I don’t know what to do about it either. I could say ‘respect women’, but tons of men do respect women and would never dream of assaulting them, but that doesn’t really reduce the fear. In fact... If Thanos were to use the infinity gauntlet to make all men treat all women with kindness and respect, it’s not going to fix the fear. There’s too much history there. It runs too deep. Therefore, while I did experience some ‘horror’ while watching Apex, a lot of time I actually just felt sadness at the reality that made it possible.

While we might not be able to solve women’s fears... We can give them kayaks. Honestly, I can’t think of a better way to mitigate that male centric dread than to get in a kayak and hit those rapids. It’s a killer workout that hits all the major muscle groups. In fact, take a look at Sasha if you don’t believe me. Plus, if there’s something even scarier than men, it’s mother nature. After going down that river at 924292 mph facing a strange man might not be casual, but it’ll sure be easier! Kayaks are also inexpensive, and easy to transport!

While I might have felt scared on Sasha’s behalf when she was with Ben, when she was on the river what I felt was awe. Sasha ends up in the drink *a lot* in this movie, sometimes with a kayak and sometimes without, and the action is almost always incredible. Some of the best river rapids work I’ve seen in a film. She flips the kayak upside down, is in the upside down kayak underwater for a time, and then just flips it back over and keeps going down the rapids? Is this something kayakers actually do for fun? If so, mad props because it looks amazing. The river action scenes are the best thing about the movie, and I would probably say they’re worth the price of admission by themselves.

What doesn’t work so well... Is the Ben/Sasha dynamic. I am a huge fan of both Charlize and Taron... But their chemistry is zilch. There’s an extended sequence where the film has them conversing and tries to build this kind of clarice/hannibal vibe, and it just doesn’t work with Ben and Sasha. The dialogue isn’t there, and neither is the chemistry. I would just as soon skipped those scenes and gone back to river or the woods. There’s very few things a critic can say about a movie that are as boring or uninformative as “The cinematography is really beautiful”... But in “Apex”... The Austrailian outback cinematography is actually really beautiful.

Whether you’re on the river or on dry land, I would urge men (and women) to be nice to strangers. You might not solve a paradigm of fear, but you might make somebody’s day a little better. That’s my advice: Be nice. Knowing is half the battle!

7/10

——

35 or so years ago, one of my friends paid his roommate (who was also my friend... They both still are, actually) $5 to ghostwrite an essay he needed about Langston Hughes for his music history class. Money exchanged hands, an essay was written, and you just read the opening line. In what was to be one of the great travesties of the 20th century, the essay received a failing grade.

In the film “Roommates”, the titular mates are Devon and Celeste. Celeste gets Devon to write her essay for fashion design class. The *closing* line of that essay is

“In every moment of history, jeans were there.”

Other than being awesome, what do these two lines have in common? Are they true? Well, I’m not sure about trumpet = dick, I would have to get a math person up in here, but I wouldn’t be surprised. “In every moment of history, jeans were there” is objectively true. If you really consider them, what jeans *actually are* are little explosions caused by gluons interacting via the strong force. That’s also what *you* are, what the planet jupiter is, and what ‘matter’ has been since hundreds of years before the dawn the history. So, jeans have definitely been there in every moment of history. So have you. But especially jeans.

That’s burying the lead. What those lines actually have in common, is that they’re direct, and they’re easy to understand. If you wanted to write an essay about Langston Hughes, you *could* start it by writing something like “In the racial landscape of the early 20th century, the poetry of Langston Hughes served to subvert the overarching paradigm” and yadda yadda yadda. Guess what. That shit is DUNZO. Nobody wants to read long winded bullshit anymore. Actually, nobody wants to read ANYTHING anymore. Except... Academics do. Academic discourse and analysis, especially in the arts and humanities, has always been masturbatory. Little tidbits of didactic trash they read amongst themselves to feel smart (by the way, I am guilty of this as well). The model was sustainable only because academia itself was deemed necessary. Higher education was a necessary step to secure “elite” status in society. Well, that ain’t true no mo. As AI ascends and all the capital in the world funnels upward to fewer and fewer people, college is becoming more meaningless by the second. This cycle of “academic intelligentsia” that has *also* been around since hundreds of years before the dawn of the history will slowly, but surely, fade into nothingness. Along with human agency in the face of a vastly superior being in the form of AI, but that’s off topic. “Trumpet equals dick” is punchy. It’s terse. It... Kind of makes sense. If you wrote that as your opening line of a music history paper “now”, I would certainly think that the guarantee your paper wasn’t written by an AI chatbot would at least be worth a B-.

Academia isn’t the only relic that will soon fade into dust... The hollywood studio system will be hot on its heels. People are sick of it, and why would anybody consume lower-common-denominator sludge that is carefully engineered to be as non offensive to as many different folks as possible, while being “actually enjoyed” by none of them.

Case in point: “Roommates”. It’s not actually a bad movie. Top to bottom t2b comedies are hard to come by, and if there are some laughs, I’ll take ‘em. However, “Roommates” certainly isn’t an *exceptional* movie, and it’s because of this centrist studio nonsense I was just talking about. “Roommates” is actually two movies (which might not be a surprise, considering it has two writers). The first movie is a dark comedy about two roommates who each think the other has the perfect life. Despite mounting evidence that neither of them have such great lives, the perception remains, and over the course of the movie that jealousy on both sides slowly morphs into hatred, and they eventually go to war. The second movie, is a feel-good underdog story about an innocent girl victimized by her psycho bitch roommate, and her triumphant victory when she finally fights back and overcomes her evil roommate’s machinations. These are not the same story, yet “Roommates” keeps trying to do both. As a result, regardless of which of these stories appeals to you, you’re only *kind of* getting it.

WHY???

Except for the mega-blockbuster, which is becoming more rare every year, movies aren’t making any money anyway (they’re actually being used to launder it). So why are the studios *still* churning out mediocre movies that are designed to *kind of* be liked by everybody, but are *loved* by nobody? Even before we get the point where people can dictate their own movie to an AI and just have it created (that might not be as far off as we think) this *for the masses* studio mentality needs to ride off into the paste. Appeal to your niche! Make the dark comedy. Make the the underdog story. Just don’t hedge your bets and do both. The money is going to get laundered either way, so pick a freakin’ lane and try to make your movie good.

That being said... I will even take an average comedy these days. Starring an average actress. I don’t want to hand Sadie Sandler a burn notice (even though I just did), because she’s actually getting better. *Average* is a step up from *unwatchable*, which is what she was in “You’re so not invited to my bat mitzvah”. Her comic timing is improving, and she has the good sense to tone it down and let actual comic heavyweights like Nick Kroll, Natasha Lyonne, and the immortal Carol Kane do the heavy lifting. I appreciate her for that. Also... The fact that a character yells the line “SHE’S A NEPO BABY?!?” during the film might just be a wink at the audience that being Adam Sandler’s daughter *might* have helped Sadie land the lead role.

So, I strongly encourage all y’all to leave both antiquated studio mandates and indulgent academic nonsense behind, and be direct and honest. If trumpet doesn’t equal dick, I hope you can find what does.

9/10

——

Plot synopsis from professor Kov: “Guillermo del Toro makes ‘Leon’”. It’s pretty apt, which is why I stole it from him. The check’s in the mail, professor Kov!

But what’s interesting isn’t the plot, it’s the *style*. Actually, the plot is pretty interesting, but the style is even more so. I recall many years back listening to Byran Fuller being interviewed on the “History of Horror” podcast, and he mentioned that when he watches the movie “Alien”, and the alien shows up on screen, all he sees is a vulva.

How does that make any sense? Well, here are two possible explanations.

1) Bryan Fuller is cray cray.

2) Bryan Fuller sees things through the eyes of a child.

You might note that the two things aren’t mutually exclusive, and you might think that the second thing is handing Bryan Fuller a burn notice. But it’s not. It’s actually a compliment!

Here’s the thing about children: They think slow. I don’t mean that they’re idiots (although they are), but I am referring specifically to the “fast thinking” versus “slow thinking” presented by folks like Daniel Kahneman. The check’s in the mail, Daniel!

What is boils down to is this: “Fast thinking” is stuff your brain automatically processes. You don’t have to think about them. For instance, looking at a chair. You don’t need to actively think “that’s a chair”, your wealth of experience and so forth lets you automatically classify it as ‘chair’ without any active thought. Then there’s slow thinking. That’s actually actively thinking about stuff. It’s looking at, say, Ryan Reynolds, and being like “that six pack of abs probably takes hours per week in the gym”. Or when somebody tells you “5 + 5”. You know what “5” is, that’s fast, but you need to take however long it takes to sum them up and get to “10”. That’s slow.

Children don’t know anything. Their fast thinking database is mostly empty, so they have to do a lot more slow thinking. So, we might see an alien and simply know it’s a “xenomorph” without thinking about it, but if a child sees an alien, they have to actively classify it, as a vulva, or a pony, or whatever the @#$! children see when they look at stuff.

“Dust Bunny” presents a world seen through the eyes of an 8 year old. Coming from the vulva xenomorph guy, that isn’t a surprise. What *is* surprising, is just how cool that world actually is. Instead of grainy textures we get vivid colors. Our 8 year old heroine, aurora (sleeping beauty? She does spend a lot of time in her bed, hiding from the monster that lives under it) is kind of obsessed with darkness, shadows, and light, so we get shadows everywhere, and when she finds lights to light up our world brightens as hers does.

This all leads to a... Surreal viewing experience. Everything is just... Off. What this does, is help turn off that “fast thinking” mode of your brain. Because you’re never really sure what you’re looking at, much like a child, you kind of have to classify it. Is that a monster under the bed, or are we manifesting a metaphor for childhood trauma? Is it really this dark, or do we just *feel* like it is? Is that mega hot supermodel assassin real, or is she kind of fear of the feminine mystique made manifest in some way (why are female assassins in movies so hot? Are real female assassins that hot? Somebody with ties to the assassin’s guild needs to let me know!)? What matters isn’t where you eventually land on these issues, what matters is that you have to *think about them* either way.

That process, of actively having to kind of decode the movie because it doesn’t quite conform to reality, is frequently known as “arthouse”, and it’s pretty easy to just be confused and dismiss the movie altogether, and go look for a something a little more explodey. Well... You can’t really dismiss “Dust Bunny”, because, despite being arthouse, it’s ALSO explodey! There are monsters, hot assassins, gunfights, martial arts fights, and Mads Mikkelson, one of the coolest damn actors on earth (much the same way Jean Reno was one of the coolest actors on earth back when he was ‘Leon’). You get all that explodey goodness while being forced to kind of decode an arthouse movie at the same time. It’s like sneaking broccoli into a twinkie. Well, except broccoli is delicious, so that wasn’t the best metaphor... But you know what I mean! Also, do they still even have twinkies? I haven’t seen a twinkie in over 30 years. They were friggin’ tasty.

Would I want all my action movies shrouded in arthouse shadows? Nope. But I certainly want it from my Bryan Fuller movies, and I am looking forward to whatever he does next. Although we could probably use a bit more vulva.

5/10

——

Yup, THAT Sheila E. If you’re unawares, Sheila E. was a drummer/singer that actually started in the early 70s. By the 80s she was renowned enough to be working with artists like Prince. While I think it’s awesome that bands like The Warning and Band Maid are selling out stadiums, ‘back in the day’ women who rocked got a less credit, and there were some drummers like Sheila E., Denise DuFort, and Karen Carpenter that were AMAZING and never received the recognition they deserved. By the way, #flex, I knew those women WITHOUT googling “female drummers from back in the day”, and now you know them too. I would actually encourage you to google “female drummers from back in the day” and go down that rabbit hole, because it’s pretty freaking rad, and I love seeing them now get the credit that they didn’t get back then. So, I was pretty stoked to see that Sheila E. was in “Nobody Dumps My Daughter”, and while she might not have the acting chops of a Judi Dench or the what have you, it was quite enjoyable watching her fortune teller trying to navigate a convoluted web of blackmail and deceit!

The strands of that web include our three protagonists: Theresa, the hot girl at school saving herself for marriage, Jimmy, her ex-boyfriend that I will call the “Lil’ Dumper” since “Big Dumper” is already taken, and Mary, her complete psychopath of a mother.

Since Jimmy is the real hero of the movie, let’s do some fun facts about him.

1) The character’s name is Jimmy Simpson. There also happens to be an actor named Jimmi Simposon. Umm... Not to hand Jimmi Simposon a burn notice, but if you were going this route, you can do a lot better... You do realize that “Rudolph Valentino” was on the table? Or “R. Lee Ermy?” I mean, who didn’t want this dialogue:

“Hey, R., what’s the haps?”

“Six seven!”

I am *in tune* with the youth and their lingo!

2) Jimmy is white. I have my ear to the digital ground, and I know that the woid on the street is that liberal hollywood has been systematically taking down the white male for the last 15 years, and depriving an entire generation of young men role models that they can look up to. Well, fear not, rudderless gen Z males, because now you have JIMMY! Jimmy is, genuinely, the nicest person in the movie. His GPA is 3.9, so he’s driven and smart! He sleeps with all the hottest girls in school, and it’s not presented as “toxic” at all, it’s presented as “High School Kids Finding Themselves”. Jimmy is the great white hollywood hope.

3) Jimmy doesn’t actually dump Teresa, she dumps him. Jimmy gets drunk and hops in the sack with the other hottest girl in school (again, not toxic, just kids having fun), and before he can get up in there Teresa’s psychopathic mother, Mary, who has been stalking Jimmy, bursts in on him. Now... Instead of saying “Why was your crazy mom stalking me?!?!” Jimmy BEGS TERESA FOR FORGIVENESS. He says he made a mistake, he still loves her, and asks if she will forgive him. He doesn’t even bring up her insane mom! She SLAPS HIM IN THE FACE and dumps him. Who is the ‘toxic’ individual in this scenario? Spoiler alert: It ain’t Jimmy!

This is where Mary reveals her psychopathic nature. After Teresa and Jimmy break up, and Teresa admits to her mom that he has plundered her female treasure, Mary decides that if Jimmy dies... Teresa gets her virginity back. This leads to some questions. Such as... WHAT THE @#$!ING @#$!?

Why exactly does Mary believe this nonsense? What is the root of her psychosis? The movie doesn’t actually tell us. The only thing we know about Mary is that her son died in a car accident when he was 25ish, and that her son and Teresa were born 18 years apart (which is it’s own form of insanity... 18 years between children?? What?? Why??). This doesn’t really explain anything. Therefore it is up to us, the audience, to figure out why Teresa is crazy, and we can jump to the following reasons:

1) She’s female.

2) She’s latino.

Booooooooooooooooooooring. These reasons might or might not be valid... But what they are not is *interesting*. If you only take one thing away from this review, it should be that Sheila E. is awesome, and she is still touring and you won’t be disappointed if you catch her show. But if there’s a second thing, it’s that you shouldn’t use movies to reinforce your weak sauce stereotypes and prejudices about gender, race, or anything. That’s what the internet is for! To find the root of Mary’s psychotic behavior, we need to take a critical lens and look deeper. Which I did... And this line really struck me:

This is not a direct quote, because I don’t actually remember the line, but the gist of it is this: “Honey, there can only be one.” Now, ostensibly, Mary is talking about boys that Teresa will marry, since Mary is a strict monogamist. However, when Mary says “Honey, there can only be one” I think she is actually referring to the number of people allowed on earth from her home planet: Zeist. Mary is from Zeist. Now... What she is *supposed* to be doing on earth, is killing her fellow Zeistians until only one remains, and that person earns the prize, which is right to travel back to the motherworld. However... Mary went off mission. And can we blame her? We can’t. If you’re looking at it from an alien perspective, Earth is NUTS. People be killin’ each other for no reason... Once you leave high school, sex becomes this insane thing that destroys relationships rather than builds them... It’s all nonsense. Of *course* Mary didn’t survive that exposure with her mind intact. She processes all those nonsensical earthling hangups, and since violence is normalized of course she thinks about murder, and since sex is stigmatized of course she uses her daughter’s deflowering as an excuse to commit said murder.

When you look at it like that, it seems borderline impossible that anybody from Zeist would retain their sanity after coming to earth. You know what? Maybe they haven’t. Maybe coming to earth does them all in. You know what they say, if you roll with the bitches, sooner or later you’re going to come up smelling like a bitch. Spend too much time on earth, and sooner or later you’ll starting thinking like an earthling. I wouldn’t wish it on anybody. If Jimmy is our unequivocal hero, then *Earth Itself* is the villain.

Unless you listen to Karen Carpenter, Denise DoFort, and Sheila E. Then Earth is pretty cool.

3/10

——

Wait up. “I will marry you for exactly that reason”?!? In the history of the earth, there have been about... 5+ billion marriage proposals (which is 5+ billion too many. Marriage is a mind control device invented by the swiss, designed to subjugate women and artificially prop up the diamond ring market)? Out of those 5+ billions, ZERO have been answered with the words “I will marry you for exactly that reason”. It is a horribly clunky and awkward line, and is markedly worse at conveying mutual love than, say, “Yes!” or a similar response that has actually been used. Those words “I will marry you for exactly that reason” existed... But they did *not* exist in that order before this scene. The phrase was so terrible, it was essentially impossible. Yet, the writers of “The Royal We” found it and gave it to Beatrix.

How? How did “the impossible sentence” come to be?

My first instinct was that AI wrote it. So I asked a chatbot if they could have written that sentence. They responded “The sentence is structurally sound and it is possible that I could have written it.” We know that AI lies about everything, therefore by reverse osmosis, we know the sentence is NOT structurally sound and AI could NOT have written it.

Well, it was the world’s greatest detective, Columbo, who said “One more thing... Once you get rid of all the shyte that’s wrong, the shyte that’s left is the right shyte”. To translate, Columbo was saying that once you eliminate the impossible, then whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth.

The truth is, in order to pull that phrase out of impossibility and write it as dialogue... The writers needed to use magic.

CHOMSKY WAS RIGHT.

Normally, in academic discourse, name drop = mic drop. I am well within my rights as an intellectual snob to end the review here and claim victory. Since I am a snob of the people, I will actually tell you what I mean by that.

I am referring to a famous 1971 debate between the father of postmodernism, Michel Foucault, and the father of modern linguistic theory (and also the purveyor of magical nonsense) Noam Chomsky. Chomsky’s argument during that debate is, essentially, that human beings (and not, say, cats) have this magical essence within them that serves as a beacon of language of morality that exists outside of human experience or environment. Foucault’s argument is that Chomsky is uuuuuuuuuuuuuurrrrrrrrrrroooooonnnnnnnnnnnnnnggggggggggggg.

I always thought Foucault won this debate fairly handily. I respect Chomsky’s contributions to linguistics and his defense of progressive politics for the past five decades... But I never really bought his magical sauce. I believe it was Columbo who said “One more thing... if it looks like magic, prolly ‘tain’t.” To translate, Columbo was saying that any advanced technology will appear to be magic to those who don’t understand it. What Chomsky attributes to unique human essence has to be function of environment or experience that we aren’t proficient enough to detect yet.

Or so I thought. That was before princess Beatrix said “I will marry you for exactly that reason”. That sentence was pulled from an alternate dimension, and the only way that is possible is by human magic. Chomsky was right, and therefore cats are cute little furballs of mundane pointlessness. Sorry cats, no magic for you!

It’s not just me that believes in magic. Princess Beatrix’s best friend, Chloe, does as well. When Chloe learns that her best friend is actually a princess of a small european country, and that she must marry the prince of a neighboring country in order to prevent the two countries going to war, the only rational response from Chloe is “Clearly I am in the matrix, because all of reality is crumbling around me and nothing makes sense anymore.” Instead her response is “Girrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrllllllllllllll!!!!!!” Who needs reality?

Another acceptable response from Chloe would have been “Beatrix, you’re RICH? And we just had lunch at mickey D’s?!?!?” [suplex]. Actually, Chloe and Beatrix are fairly well off, as they are creators of a non profit charity that teaches young girls how to become young girlbosses. Makes sense that it’s non profit! Or does it? Chloe and Beatrix actually run their “non profit” like a small business, and make their cash from investment capital. They convince investors that their charity might not return money, but it will return “audience capture” which is worth MORE than money, because in the internet age, internet users with no money = money by magical transmogrification (CHOMSKYYYY!). The current AI investment model is built on this very principle!

Beatrix and Chloe’s “non profit” (or should I say “racket”) gets them enough cash that they both have really nice apartments (this is without any money from Beatrix’s royal lineage). Magic!

While financial magic might work out for Chloe... It might have served her well to realize that she actually was in the matrix, or, at least, a rom-com, because she gets to be part of the “best friends trope” where the best friends of the leads ALSO get together! Fun! Unfortunately for Chloe, she is a 30 something woman, and prince Desmond’s best friend is his 70 year valet, Edwin. Yup, the movie teases Chloe and Edwin getting it on. They never actually hook up, because this is a PG rated Hallmark movie, so nobody gets to hook up, but they certainly seem into each other! Through this Chloe/Edwin relationship, we affirm the most important rule of Hallmark movies: Very attractive people should get together with other very attractive people. The “others” can get together if they want. Therefore, because she’s not a knockout, Chloe ends up with a 70 year old. Beatrix’s even more attractive sister (played by Movieshyte favorite Nicola Poesner from “Mythica”!! Go Nicola!) ends up with an even more attractive man than prince Desmond! The rule of attractiveness is maintained, all is well in the Hallmark Cinematic Universe.

You should watch the movie for exactly that reason.

3/10

——

Speaking of the azov battalion, a few years ago I actually secured an interview with Piotr, a member of the organization. My plan was to sell it to “Tiger Beat” magazine as a freelance article. By the time they read the interview and declined to pick it up (Piotr hadn’t gotten the memo that he needed a 6-pack of abs), the whole Ukraine war was passe and nobody was interested. Well, the Ukraine war is still passe, but I can’t think of a better forum for a interview with a ukrainian resistance fighter than a review of a movie about putting german officers on trial in the mid 1940s. I immediately purchased the interview from myself for the price of $lemonpepperbonelesswingfromwingstop, and am publishing it here for my loyal audience.

Movieshyte: Piotr, welcome!

Piotr: Bro! Is good to be here. Kidding, I don’t know who you are. Agent says you pay US dollars for interview, so Piotr pick up phone.

M: The check’s in the mail! So, Piotr, do you sympathize with the palestinians?

P: Why?

M: Well, because, like your fellow ukrainians, they’re being invaded by their neighbor.

P: Bro. Ukrainian is patriot fighting for freedom. Palestinian is dirty thief. World know this. Thing is, palestinian only steal mounds of clay and wooden boards, because is all there is in palestine. So, in gaza, is like knock knock, is yusef home? Is massad at door! Sorry, yusef cannot come to door, am busy stealing mound of clay! Then BANG BANG BANG yusef is shot dead, and massad is big hero. This is what world wants.

M: The world wants... to save mounds of clay from being stolen?

P: No. Well, small group clay lovers, maybe. But most no. World wants spectacle.

M: Could you elaborate?

P: Of course bro. War is distraction. Unless war is saying hello, I am nuclear missile, am blowing you up now! Or hello, am military liaison, am here to tell you child is dead in war, but now we give medal, medal is copper plated, is worth more than child, so winner is you. If war not saying these things, then war is distraction from crap existence. To most of world, war is not machine of death, war is way to feel good about self by being on the x, and saying “oh I support the poor ukranians with all my heart on ab day! Tomorrow is uyghurs being brainwashed by chinese plus glutes, stay tuned!” and watch likes flood in. War is likes.

M: You’re part of the azov battalion, so you’re a nazi, correct?

P: Of course bro!

M: So, don’t you, like, want the palestinians to blow up israel?

P: Bro. Piotr not care one way or another. Nazi is not so much about hate jew. Nazi is about love money.

M: I thought that’s what jew was about?

P: Is what everything is about. In past, jew have money, so best way to get money is take from jew. Say jew is dirty vagrant, and world agree, so take money is easy, because world not care. Until blow up france. Then world care, BIG TIME. So, if you want take money from jew, do not blow up france is lesson. Anyway, now is now. Jew still have money, but united states government have EVEN MORE money. Coincidence? You decide, bro. United states give money to fight russia, so now Piotr blow up russian, get millions of US dollar. Is win-win! Maybe russia also blow up Piotr! Win-win-win! For palestinian, nobody is giving US dollar to fight israel. So palestinian getting blown up for free. You ask if Piotr sympathize with palestinian, answer is no. Piotr pity them.

M: What’s your favorite halloween candy?

P: Is vodka. For palestinian, is rocks.

M: So, after you, er, defeat russia, what happens then?

P: Bro. Defeat russia, not defeat russia, is not important. What is important is Piotr is on beach, is earning 20%.

M: Well, I was told by your people that you have a hard out, so we have to wrap it up here. Thanks for your time!

P: Time is money, bro.

——

Time *is* money, and if you’re going to make a two and half hour movie where every character is making a long winded speech about the nazis were terrible and how we had to officially condemn them in order to not repeat history, your movie will cease being a movie and start being a public service announcement. If you’re making a public service announcement and NOT concluding it with “Knowing is half the battle!”, then I’m just ignoring it.

To make matters worse, “Nuremberg” actually tells us the movie it should have been... During the closing credits. As the ‘factoids’ about various characters in the movie scroll right before the credits roll, we are informed that Douglas Kelley, the shrink played by Rami Malek, eventually killed himself by taking cyanide. This is the exact same way Hermann Goring, played by Russell Crowe, died. WHAT?!!?!? WHERE WAS THAT MOVIE? The scenes between goring and kelley were my favorite scenes in the movie... But they weren’t *THAT*. They weren’t a glimpse into evil so terrifying and unsettling that the shrink is left no alternative except to emulate that evil in death. *That* movie sounds interesting, and it sounds like an actual MOVIE. But we don’t get it, we’re TOLD it right before the closing credits.

Instead of the final act being a showdown between the clinical civility of kelley versus the inexorable inhumanity of goring... We get a courtroom scene. It’s a courtroom scene where goring has the prosecution “on the ropes” with his charm and logical defense of his role in the war, and they have to trick him, “A Few Good Men” style, into implicating himself. Let’s go back to *time is money*, because this entire sequence is a waste of 30+ minutes. There are absolutely no stakes to this scene, because the chance of goring and rest of the nazi high command NOT getting convicted was zero. We know it now, AND THEY KNEW IT THEN. A character even tells us, the whole point of the trial is to show that law and civilization can triumph over unrestrained evil! Nobody is putting hermann goring on trial for war crimes, and then saying “We had no idea you were this charming. You’re free to go”. But we’re expected to *believe* that there is dramatic tension and the verdict is in doubt? The whole nazi command was always going to be sentenced to death.

Another infuriating detail from this not-really-a-movie movie is that Russell Crowe is *awesome* as goring. It’s his best performance in years, and that includes “The Pope’s Exorcist” (which I haven’t seen). Rami Malek is the perfect choice to portray that descent into madness that we didn’t get. Asking great actors to apply their craft in the service of the mundane ultimately seems like... A waste.

Were the nazis bad? Yup. Is it worth repeating the message? Yup. Is it worth repeating at the expense of actually having a true cinematic experience? Well, that’s not up to me. It’s up to you.

8/10

So here, an attractive man and an attractive woman get together. See: Just about every bollywood movie ever made. The difference is, we finally add a crocodile to the mix. About time!

——

So what we have is, in theory, a ‘horror movie’. Which we do, but it has nothing to do with the crocodile. The most horrifying scene happens early in the movie, where we are introduced to our attractive man: A rapper who lives in a slum. ‘Slum’ is overselling it. He ends up chilling out near a water truck. A ‘what’?? That’s right... His neighborhood has no running water, so hundreds of folks need to grab buckets and go to these massive trucks and have water doled out to them.

I know a lot of India is ‘lower class’ (or ‘caste’ as they put it). I know Calcutta is a shithole. I didn’t know that it was like *this*. Water trucks? That... Is truly horrible.

So it’s not a coincidence when our rapper, and our other ‘hero’, the rich attractive female social media influencer, end up trapped in a gigantic swimming pool while being stalked by a crocodile. Having a massive oversized *swimming pool* for the wealthy when the folks just on the other side of the tracks don’t have any running water at all is a grotesque abuse of power and complete disregard for an entire community. Fortunately, we have a hero that has come to rectify the situation: The Crocodile. The crocodile has a singular mission: To *eat* all the rich pricks that are swimming in the water that should be going to the people. Including our social media influencer. The crocodile is “The Proletariat”! I wanted to eat our rich influencer post haste and then move on to devour the other rich pricks that hoard wealth while other people don’t even have water. The problem, she is stubbornly staying alive so our hero *CAN’T CONTINUE ITS MISSION*. This makes our social media influencer the official VILLAIN of the movie. Unfortunately, our lower caste rapper is at the wrong place at the wrong time, and just gets caught in the crossfire even if he doesn’t deserve to be eaten.

Or does he?

The whole reason our rapper wants to get with our influencer (if the crocodile doesn’t actually get a name, then neither should they, so ‘rapper’ and ‘influencer’ are it, and this is absolutely not because I am too lazy to look up the characters or the actors) isn’t because she’s attractive (to be honest, she’s a Mumbai... 7.5? I actually appreciated that. Most bollywood starlets are preternaturally gorgeous, so it was nice to have a more grounded female lead, even if she is a rich asshole) it’s because she has influence. Like most folks in the lower castes, he wants clicks, followers, and he wants to “swipe the dosh on the table” (that’s british for ‘make a lot of money’, which is apropos because a huge reason why much of India is so poor is because the british empire wrung out every last resource they could while leaving the Indian people to starve, and the country *still* hasn’t fully recovered from that). That would be great if he wanted to turn around and use that dosh to help his old community out... But every indication is that *he* wants to be just like *her*, which to say once he gets the dosh, the most important thing to him isn’t helping his old neighborhood, it’s putting it in the rearview. Makes sense, because a tenet of capitalism is that you MAKE capital, you don’t spend it doing non-profitable things like not making a profit, and if there’s a country that worships at the altar of capitalism, it’s all of them. Especially India. So sure, he has an excuse for wanting to just get rich and influence people, but that don’t mean I gotta like him. ‘Cuz I am rooting for the crocodile to eat him.

So, yeah, we want Proletariat Crocodile to eat him too. Plus, his raps are nonsense. Now, I get it, ask Led Zeppelin or Def Leppard if you need actual meaningful song lyrics to make a great song. You don’t. Well, they don’t. But... His rapping isn’t exactly Kool Moe Dee, and when you add nonsense lyrics, it’s pretty bad. By the way, I didn’t google ‘random old school rapper’ to come with Kool Moe Dee, I actually have him on CASSETTE TAPE, mofos.

I would also like somebody to explain to me how this woman has two million followers. I’m am not currently and never have been on any social media (except youtube), but... To be an influencer, don’t you have to, I don’t know, do something? Sure, this woman goes to kendo practice and does other random stuff, but she doesn’t seem particularly good at any of it. She doesn’t even have disgusting melted green chocolate from dubai all over her face. Is it just a lottery? Hundreds of millions of people try to become influencers and randomly it just ‘sticks’ to a very very minor select few, regardless of whether or not they deserve it? Is that how it works? I want to know!

Let’s get to our hero, the Proletariat Crocodile. It’s only in the movie a few minutes. This model of horror movies was established back in 1975 with “Jaws”. It was a happy accident that Speilberg ran out of money, and couldn’t afford to put the shark in very many scenes. It created fear of the unknown tension, and remains legendary to this day. Well... It’s certainly not a happy accident that the crocodile isn’t in very many scenes. It’s frowny on purpose. The filmmakers certainly didn’t run out of money. What they did, was took that money and put it in their pockets. We aren’t creating dramatic tension here (which isn’t really possible when the crocodile is the hero), we’re just being cheap and taking that netflix money for ourselves. The result is, I wanted more crocodile and less nonsense rapping and influencing, and I didn’t get it.

This movie also happens to run almost two and a hours. That is a cold hour and fifteen minutes longer than it should be (this is another trait most bollywood movies share). Tighten it up, people.

So, yeah, Bollywood should have added crocodiles to their films decades ago, and the theme really resonates ESPECIALLY in the age of today, but let’s tighten it up India! Also, the thing about putting your peeps in the rearview, is that they might be closer than they actually appear. That metaphor is amazing, but nobody who drives a car made after the year 1995 is going to get it.

10/10

——

That being said, it’s fucking awesome.

——

The best scene in the movie happens in the second act. A film director, played by Stellar Skateboard (aka Stellan Skarsgaard #HDTGM) is rehearsing a scene with his lead actress, Elle “Last but not least of the Fannings” Fanning. She is playing a part that he insists “Is not his mother”. Over the course the scene, her character, who is not religious, prays for the first time, prays that she can find her way out of her sorrow and back to a place resembling ‘home’. Elle is pretty good at reading this scene. Her voice starts to quiver, and eventually she breaks down into full on tears. Fairly impressive. We, the audience, however, realize that we were told the truth: The scene isn’t about Stellar Skateboard’s mother, it’s about *him*. Every single nuance, every single emotional beat that Elle Fanning is conveying to us, *he* is doing it as well, because it’s *his* scene, they are *his* emotions. Except... He has to convey them without speaking a word of dialogue or shedding a single tear or using any affectation that an actor can use as a crutch. He has to do it through sheer *presence*. AND HE DOES. To be honest... It’s one of the most impressive feats of acting... Ever. Like, seriously, EVER. Like “students need to study this scene in film school” ever. Well... Study in film school until they end up flipping burgers because AI has replaced actors. Then the automatic burger flippers will come online and they won’t be doing that either, they will become an entire generation of zombies acting like humans acting like zombies.

We’re getting off course. The point is, this amazing scene with Stellar Skateboard, that’s what the movie is about. Disconnection. A favorite song of mine is “The Grand Illusion” by Styx, which has the classic line “Deep inside we’re all the same”. It’s true! But *nobody* in “Sentimental Value” knows it. Everybody thinks that their shyte... Is unique to them. To an extent, every individual’s shyte *is* unique to them, but, to a different, and still very real, extent, IT ISN’T. Your experiences ARE going to mirror other people’s experiences, people that you know and love, and vice versa. You just have to see it. “Sentimental Value” has scene after scene of characters feeling the same emotions, going through the same distress, and not realizing it *at all*, and NOT using those shared emotions to help each other. It’s a pretty difficult watch because of that alienation that shrouds the whole movie... But at the same time, it’s a masterclass in acting without overacting, and expressing similar emotions WITHOUT using similar methods. I don’t want to speak for the god of explosions, but I am guessing even they are pretty impressed at the sheer number of the self-contained emotional explosions offered by “Sentimental Value”. For card carrying movie snoots, this is where it’s at.

I watched this movie with my friend “Professor Kov”. It’s pretty universally known that Renate Reinsve, who plays Stellar Skateboard’s daughter, is “The Norwegian Dakota Johnson”. I don’t put images on this site because I don’t have time for that nonsense, I’m keeping it real, but if you put Dakota and Renate side by side you’ll see it. Our argument was whether Inga Ibsdotter Lilleaas, who plays her sister, is the “Norwegian Melanie Lynskey” or the “Norwegian Marcia Gay Harden”. It is *obvious* that Inga is the Norwegian Melanie Lynskey... Not just in appearance, but in her deliberate, low key acting style as well. It is equally obvious that if Marcia Gay Harden got married to James Harden, she would then be Marcia Exgay Harden Harden. Everybody loves ‘the beard’, so we need to make this happen, folks.

5/10

We have two distinct kinds of posts here. The first are “Reviews”. Despite the name, the purpose of these is to talk about what I found interesting about the movie. Blanket spoiler warning for this section, as I frequently talk about specific scenes, not usually but sometimes including the end!

The second section is the “Keith Cinematic Universe”. These are movie parodies written by me, starring the most awesome star in the KCU, Keith. They are short, so feel free to revisit them whenever you need a hit of Keithitude.

That’s it. Thanks for dropping by, and enjoy your time with Movieshyte’s brand of cinematic dissection and obliteration!