Fifty Shades of Keith

Open: A ratty apartment. Teribithia Coppertone is talking with her mom, errrr, roommate, Melanie.

Melanie - Teri, later today I have to do this interview with the successful billionaire, Seventh Day Adventist Keith, for my high school paper, the Redmond High Picayune. I’m feeling under the weather, so I was hoping you could go do the interview in my place.

Teri - I could literally spend this entire movie explaining why that sentence was garbage. Let’s start with the fact that you’re in your sixties, and there’s no way you’re in high school.

Melanie - Acting!

Teri - Genius!

Scene: Keith’s office. Teribithia walks in, has an old fashioned paper notepad and pencil.

Keith - Melanie?

Teri - She’s sick, so I’m filling in for her. My name is Teribithia Coppertone.

Keith - I’m Seventh Day Adventist Keith.

Teri - Is Seventh your first name?

Keith - No. My full name is Seventh Day Adventist The Dingo Ate My Baby Keith. Just call me Keith.

Teri - Okay Keith. So, ummm, [Teri bites her lip], I’m supposed to ask these questions. Let’s start with the basics. What is the secret of your success?

Keith - Hard work.

Teri - That’s it?

Keith - Yup. I work hard. I fuck hard, too. But hard work is how you succeed.

Teri - So, you running a billion dollar empire doesn’t have anything to do with you inheriting a billion dollar empire?

Keith - Nope.

Teri - So....... If hard work is the key to success, why isn’t Dominican Lou a billionaire?

Keith - Dominican Who?

Teri - Dominican Lou. He’s the super at my building, but he’s rarely there, since he has like seven other jobs. He works really hard. So, by your logic, he should be successful, but it barely seems like he’s scraping by.

Keith - Well, I work harder than him. Fuck harder, too.

Teri - Really.

Keith - Yowp.

Teri - So... This hard work you do. What, exactly, is it??

Keith - Uh, financial stuff. It would go way over your pretty little head.

Teri - Try me.

Keith - Fine. [ZZZZZZZZZZZZZIP]

Teri - Put it back in your pants, that’s not what I meant. I meant, try explaining to me this complicated financial hard work you do.

Keith - Well... I... Uhhhh... Carefully monitor the... Err... McDonald agricultural index... For... Derivative economic trends... In the... Uhhh... Chinese Dong.

Teri - McDonald agricultural index? As in old McDonald? With the farm?

Keith - NO! A completely different old McDonald. And he didn’t have a farm. He had an agricultural index.

Teri - And how exactly is that hard work?

Keith - I’m on the phone, like, all the time, so I have to, you know, adjust the earpiece thing constantly, and I’m on the computer, so I’m computering it up. It’s hard!

Teri - Uh huh. This interview is over. Good day, sir.

Keith - And good day to you, sir.

Scene: A shot of an answering machine.

Answering Machine - BEEEEEEP. Ola! Es Lou. I cannot come to the phone right now, because I working all the tie. Leave a message, and I will get back to you when I no working, which is never. Adios! BEEEEEEEP.

Teri’s voice - Lou, this is Teribithia Coppertone. I’m in room 237. I... I have to see you. As soon as possible. This is related to official business, and not me wanting you inside me. Since you can’t really get back to me, I’ll have to take care of myself. No! I will find you! Eep! I’m frazzled. Just... Wait for me.

Scene: A shot of a computer screen.

E-Mail - To: Teribitha_Coppertone@Universityofredmond.edu

From: SeventhdayKeith@Evilcorp.org

Dear Teribithia. You did not get to ask all your questions during our interview, so I am e-mailing you the answers now. My favorite color is grey. My favorite food is lich, my favorite sport is lich, and my favorite animal is lich. You must think that I’m phoning these answers in, but I’m not, since I am actually using e-mail.

Listen, the questions aren’t the only reason I’m e-mailing you. You learned all about me, so I figured it’s only fair that I would learn a few things about you. You’re 22, are about to graduate from the university of redmond with a degree in art history, and you work at the Home Plus store at the corner of 5th and Gates. How do I know this? Let’s just say that wealth has its perks. I paid seven million euros for that information.

I have to see you. As soon as possible. Please drop by my office any time.

I fuck hard,

Keith.

Scene: The hallways of Teri’s apartment building. Dominican Lou is walking down the hallway, toolbox in hand. Teri runs up to him.

Teri - Lou! Wait up.

Lou - Es a young white lady. Ola. I no have the tie, I need to get to work.

Teri - I know, I know. Listen, it’s me... Teribithia, from Room 237.

Lou - Ah! Si, si! Is your toilet clogged again? I will fix as soon as I can.

Teri - No, that’s not it. And, for the record, that isn’t me, that’s my roommate Melanie.

Lou - Si. Of course.

Teri - I’m serious. It’s not me.

Lou - Si.

Teri - I would never.

Lou - No.

Teri - I’m glad we cleared that up. Listen... Lou. I’ve been thinking about you... A LOT... And...

Lou - Bye now! Ju no eat beans and cabbage! Adios!

Teri - [rips a fart, causing her dress to waft up, marilyn monroe style] [she frowns]

Scene: Home Plus. Teri has a price gun, and is pricing hoses. Keith walks up.

Keith - Teribithia.

Teri - Mr. Keith? What are you doing here?

Keith - Looking for you. I know you work here, remember? Money well spent.

Teri - Uhhhhhh, so, are you looking for anything in particular?

Keith - Come now, Teribithia. What are you doing here?

Teri - Working. It’s the secret to success, remember?

Keith - Sure... for men. And brown people. Not for *YOU*.

Teri - Why not for me!?

Keith - Have you seen you?! You’re smoking hot! Girls who look like you don’t work in a Home Plus. EVER. Unless your only ambition is to make hicks who need tools cream their jeans, you need to be doing something more suited to your talents.

Teri - My talents?! Like what?

Keith - Like being with me. Move in to my place. I’ve already cleared out a room for you. It’s got pictures of my abs and other girly shit that you’ll love. Let’s get out of here.

Teri - I don’t think so. Now scat.

Keith - Sheeba de bop beep bop shabeeba bop. Wait, I actually do need some tools. I need a shovel, some rope, and some bleach.

Teri - Wow, three fifths of a do it yourself murder kit. Add some duct tape and a bucket and you’ll have everything you need.

Keith - I have no idea what you’re talking about. But if you have those things, go ahead and grab them for me. What’s the bucket for? Wait, don’t tell me. I’ll figure it out. Shyte, right? Yep, a good old fashioned shytebucket. That doesn’t really make any sense... Never mind. I’m sure it will come to me. How much does all that stuff come to? You know what, don’t even tell me. Make up a number and get in touch with my people.

Scene: A hallway, in front of a closet. Lou has a mop. Teri comes running up to him.

Teri - Lou!! Wait up!

Lou - Ola! Oh, es ju. Listen, I working, I no have the tie.

Teri - Ooooooh. Is that your playroom?? Where you keep your... toys and stuff? [Teri bites her lip]

Lou - This is closet. I keep toilet paper. I’m sure you need.

Teri - I told you that wasn’t me. [Farts] Excuse you. Please Lou, just hear me out. I have a contract for you.

Lou - A Contract? Ju... Want to hire me?

Teri - Not exactly. This isn’t an employment contract... It’s a sex contract.

Lou - Que?

Teri [starts flipping through pages of the contract] - Listen, there’s a whole lot of legal jargon in here, it’s pretty complicated... But... It basically boils down to this. I have to do whatever you say. Sexually. If I refuse, you get to come on my face.

Lou - I no have the tie.

Teri - Wait, wait!!! Here’s the thing. So... When you tell me what to do... If I obey... You get to come on my face.

Lou - No.

Teri - PLEASE, LOU, JUST COME ON MY FACE!!!

Lou - I WORKING!!!

Scene: Teri and Melanie’s apartment. Teri is talking with Melanie.

Teri - Mom... I mean my friend in high school Melanie... It’s so complicated with Lou. I want to be with him, but he’s working all the tie.

Melanie - Need I remind of you of a modern classic from 1988? A little picture called WORKING GIRL? If anyone knows about working, it’s fucking me.

Teri - He works so hard... He is the America! I want America inside me. And all over my face. Why is it so hard???

Melanie - Fucking Working Girl. That’s what we were saying. Millenials don’t understand metaphor anymore.

Teri - Or possibly they’ve never heard of your movie. I hadn’t, until just now. What do I do?

Melanie - I know you’re hot, but that’s not enough anymore. Guys are into the weird sex stuff.

Teri - Weird? Like what?

Melanie - Start with this. Go find your dad, and fuck him.

Teri - Aight.

Melanie - Use your thighs and put his head in the miami vice. If he’s rocking the 3-day chin stubble, and doing it right, he’ll sand all your flesh off. Down there you’ll look like the Exxon Valdez on its period.

Teri - Great. Then what?

Melanie - I don’t know! Fucking win! Just get it done.

Scene: Teri and Keith walking in the garden.

Keith - Teri... I need to come clean. This whole thing... It’s not about sex. It’s about... You know... Core.

Teri - We’re not together. I don’t even know how we ended up in this scene with each other.

Keith - That’s the point. We ARE together. I know I’m screwed up. This is fifty shades of... Yo, MTV raps? I need you.

Teri - What’s that smell?

Keith - Say what now?

Teri - Is that... A shytebucket?

Keith - You know what, Teri? Fuck you. Telling me to get a fucking bucket, what the fuck. And your goddamn store charged me a hundred and eighty thousand dollars for that bucket, so you’re damn right I used it.

Teri - Seventh Day Adventist The Dingo Ate My Baby Keith, I would say it’s over, but it never was. Goodbye.

Keith - It’s not over until the… Uhhh… Whatevs.

[Keith strangles Teri]

Scene: The garden. Keith is there with Lou.

Lou - Ju need work done?

Keith - Yeah. Here’s what I need. Get rid of this body, and make sure there are no traces for the cops to find.

Lou - Ah si, si. I need shovel, rope, bleach, duct tape, and a bucket.

Keith - Wow, I actually have all that stuff. Here you go.

Lou - ..... This bucket has shyte in it.

Keith - WHAT THE FUCK WAS I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH IT?!

Teri - Ugh. What happened?

Keith - You’re alive! I mean... Uhhh... ‘Sup, girl?

Teri - Lou?! I’m so glad you’re here!

Lou - I no have the tie.

Keith - So, I’m just gonna wrap this movie up right around here, for no real reason.

Teri - LOU!!!!

Lou - Que?

Keith - I’m out.

THE END?

Preppin’ hype steppin’ up to the crew pull back the action check the safety ‘SOFF BOYEEEE Keith had been on the outside ‘lil over a week, and it wasn’t gon stick. Not for him. Then Slimy Bob calls with a new score, a score so big it would be the end. Except it wasn’t going to be the end, because the sun never sets on those that ride into it.

Keith put together his crew. Those foos back in the day got him clipped, so he needed a real crew. Asian guy, check. Black guy, check. Woman, check. Asian woman, don’t be ridiculous. This wasn’t 1994, this was 2025, and so a bunch of pasty faced bros warn’t gonna cut it. You needed a new crew to fit the new age, and we’re talking age of crime, not hippie bullshit.

Weeks of prep, drills, team building exercises with the woman, where the team was dem nuts. They were gonna PAY for putting Keith in the clink, and they were the banks. The man. The MONEY.

Go time.

Keith and crew charge into the bank. “On the ground! You know the drill, do what we say and nobody gets hurt! Put the money in the bag!”

“Ummm... What? We don’t have any money here.”

“We know you have the money, you’re a bank!”

“Sir, this is the West Bank. We don’t have any money. We have the opposite of money: Kids. Are you here to take our kids?!”

“No.”

“You bastard!! How DARE you take our precious little ones!”

“I don’t want your kids.”

“Children, I’m so sorry, but this western imperialist pig-dog and his guns are demanding you go with him! We’ll miss you so much!! There are NOT jillions more where you came from, and you are NOT replaceable! We will have our revenge, western scum!!”

“Revenge for what?! We’re leaving. Without any kids.”

“Your parents love youuuuuuuu almost as much as they hate this western demon!” were the last words as the kids were booted into the getaway car as the rubber started peeling.

Thus, Keith made his way back to the united states, without the money, but with 30 kids.

The first rule of no money is to turn it into money. Keith got Slimy Bob on the horn. “Yo Bob! I got thirty kids I need to dump on the black market.”

“Coolcoolcool. I’ll be able to clear an easy 250K. Gimme the deets.”

“Just to be clear, these kids WILL be going to loving families, right?”

“Um, sure. Whaddya got? USDA prime cali blond? I can get extra for that.”

“They’re from the West Bank.”

“What?”

“The kids are from the West Bank.”

“Oh. Let me barf.” BAAAAAAAAAAAAARF. “So... Uh... The current going rate for a West Bank kid is negative 10K. I’ll need 300K from you to take them off your hands.”

“I don’t have that kind of money!”

“Then I’m not taking the damn kids!” *click*

When did cell phones start making clicking noises when you hung up?!

So the unofficial channels were out. Time to hit the official channels. Keith made his way into the building of government services and awesomeness.

“Hey, I got 30 kids that are requesting asylum.”

“Great! What are we talking? Schizo, psychosis, or old fashioned pee in the face?”

“Not that kind of asylum. The kind where their country is too dangerous so they want to go to the United States to be safe.”

“Are those the kids?”

“Yeah.”

“Caint.”

“What?”

“Title 42 says they caint apply for asylum to the united states while they’re currently in the united states.”

“Title Moby Dick says ‘Call me Ishmael’, bitch. Listen, those kids can’t go back to their home country in order to apply for asylum. They’ll probably be killed.”

“Not my problem.”

“It might not be your problem, but can’t it be your solution?”

“Why would I want to solve a problem that’s not mine?”

“To be nice?”

“This isn’t Niceland, jerkoff. This is EARTH. Now take your smelly kids and get the fuck out of here before I call ICE.”

So Keith took the kids and got the fuck out, and the guy called ICE anyway. EARTH.

Agent T and company scoped out the property. They got a tip that a bunch of illegals were ILLEGALYING IT UP here at the residence of “Keith”. They were probably gang members. It was go time! Unfortunately, the ICE agents were unaware that, back in the day, they called him Ke “Kevin McAllister” ith, because his house was covered in so many traps a mouse would go insane.

As in he lay in the bed of punji sticks, Agent T glanced over at the marbles that had done him in. To the right, one of his colleagues had their face caved in by a paint can, and over to the left, somebody had been cut in half by some tape. Agent T’s final thoughts were that perhaps 15 years as a line cook at sizzler weren’t sufficient training to be a government agent. But the steaks... Were... So... Cheap.

Keith and kids fled to SoCal, where Keith found a school known to enroll ‘less than legal’ children. Keith went to talk to the principal. “Hey! This is Keith. I want to enroll 30 kids.”

“We see them. Pass.”

“What?”

“We don’t want your kids.”

“Why not?”

“Quite frankly... They’re dirty.”

“They don’t fuck each other! Much.”

“I mean they’re literally covered in dirt. The kids we enroll might not be strictly legal, but they’re clean. Hardworking.”

“Is that why all your ‘students’ are picking oranges?”

“Don’t you worry about that. The point is, your children are just... Blech. No thanks.”

School was out. Principal was an ass, but he had one thing right. Kids had to earn. So Keith turned them into a fleet of pickpockets, until an old guy rolled up on him.

“Oi! Listen, ya right tosser! They call me the Fartful Codger. This is MY turf. If anyone’s running a gang of pinchers, it’s ME. So take your bleedin’ kids and leave!”

*Brap* *brap* *brap* <----- not a gun.

“Uh, you can have the kids for your gang.”

“Are you mento?! I got me own bloody tykes to worry about. You just take off or you’re getting the ol’ boot straight in the john thomas what.”

Keith called Jim “Sound of Freedom” Ballard.

“Hey Jim, I, uh, ‘rescued’ thirty kids.”

“Good on you!”

“What do I do with them?”

“What?”

“You saved all those kids, right? What did you do with them?”

“I’m not really involved in that end of things. I’m sure they’re with great families, because THE GOVERNMENT TOTALLY SUCKS.”

“Well, who do I contact to do that for my kids?”

“Like I said, I’m not involved with that end.”

“Can you give me a phone number?”

“Not involved.”

“Did you really save those kids?”

“Sure did!”

“What were their names?”

“Ummm... Let’s see... Kofi Kupp... Vindo Glass... Egg McMuffin...”

“I am getting the sense... that you are actually trash.”

“Sorry, gotta run! THE GOVERNMENT TOTALLY SUCKS! Magaaaaaaa!”

*click*

There was one last shot. Opening night at the kevin james memorial theater. Keith and Kids Improv Comedy Troupe.

“Okay kids, this is it, your last shot. Here’s the scene. Sh’Bleeb, you’re a tortoise that’s in a race with a rabbit. Pez, you’re a construction worker on break. GO!”

“Uh... Hey there missus... Um, tortoise. How is the race going?”

“Go fuck yourself.”

“You go fuck yourself.”

“Nope.”

“Aaaaaaaaaaand scene!!” Keith beamed, “You did it! You’re finally Americans!”

The End.

DOON, PART I

	[Scene: The dining room of the palatial estate, where JESSICA ATREIDES, witch, is having breakfast with her son, KEITH ATREIDES, scion of house Atreides]

	Keith
	Mother, will you please hand me a glass of water?

	Jessica
	Use the voice.

	Keith
	Biiiiiiitch, gimme the waaa-tare.

	[Jessica picks up a glass of water, and splashes it in Keith’s face]

	Jessica
	See?  Remember your training.

	[Keith picks up Jessica’s glass of water, stares at it, and splashes it in her face.  Jessica regards Keith with furious anger, then jumps on him, and they start making out.  Keith goes ‘Doon’ on Jessica]

	Jessica
	We really need to stop doing this.

	Keith
	Hey, we’re not the problem here.  We’re just the symptom of the problem.  SOCIETY is the problem.  [Slurp].

	Jessica
	Fair enough.  Just don’t get too attached to your eyes.

	Keith
	Wait, what?

	[Scene:  The fighter bay.  Ace pilot DIMBULB RHODE ISLAND lands a fighter plane, and Keith is there to greet him.  They embrace.]

	Dimbulb
	Keith!  I just got back from Doon.  The Harkonnens left the planet a mess after the emperor decreed that house Atreides take over the spice harvesting.  I gotta say, there was a lot of spice.

	Keith
	How was the spice?

	Dimbulb
	Spicy.

	Keith
	Like a spicy meataballa?

	Dimbulb
	More like spicy…  Balls.

	[Dimbulb and Keith stare at each other.  Dimbulb jumps on Keith and they start making out.]

	[Scene, Keith is walking with LETO ATREIDES, his father and patron of the noble House Atreides]

	Leto
	This ring is the birthright of the male heir to house Atreides.  My father bequeathed it to me, and one day I will bequeath it to you.

	Keith
	So, we have space travel and starships and energy shields and stuff, but we still have the divine right of kings?  How does that make any sense?

	Leto
	It makes perfect sense!!  It’s genetics.  One day, you will use my superior genes to rule house Atreides.

	Keith
	Well, mom says I’m going to be jesus or whatever.

	Leto
	You need to know something, son.  And that’s that mommy thinks she’s magic.  There is no magic.  There is only power.  Don’t focus on a bunch of mumbo jumbo written eons ago, focus on what’s important:  MY legacy.

	Keith
	What if I don’t want to be the ruler of house Atreides?  What if I want to focus on other stuff?

	Leto
	What ‘other stuff’ might you be referring to?

	[Keith and Leto stare at each other.  Leto jumps on Keith and they start making out.]

	Leto
	Don’t tell your mother.

	[Scene, a large chamber, where the REVEREND MOTHER of the Yumpin’ Yehosaphats is sitting down.  The only other person in the room is Keith, who is standing in front of her]

	Reverend Mother
	This is the blargle margleflargle.

	Keith
	It is not.

	Reverend Mother
	Yes it is.  It is coated with the deadliest poison in the universe.  One small prick and you will instantly die.

	Keith
	Lame.  What’s in the box?

	Reverend Mother
	Pain.

	Keith
	Wrong.  Open it up and check it out.

	[The reverend mother opens the box]

	Reverend Mother
	Is that…

	Keith
	Yoop.

	Reverend Mother
	Just how did that get in there?

	Keith
	Want me to outline the steps for you?

	Reverend Mother
	That won’t be necessary.  I’ve figured it out based on where you’re standing.

	Keith
	Listen, I know that that’s not the box you want that in.

	[The reverend mother raises an eyebrow, then jumps on Keith and they start making out.  Keith goes ‘Doon’ on her].

	Keith
	You realize I’m 16 and you’re like, 395.  You’re gross.

	Reverend Mother
	Armie hammer is gross.  I’m just a woman with needs.

	Keith
	Whatever.  Consider your wrinkly ass cancelled.

	Reverend Mother
	Far greater men than you have tried to cancel me.

	Keith
	Um, I have like 73 followers on Instospice.

	Reverend Mother
	I stand corrected.

	[Jessica Atreides bursts into the room]

	Jessica
	Keith!  You’re alive!

	Keith
	Yes, and I did it by actually passing the test, and not by having sex with the Reverend Mother.

	Jessica
	That’s a relief.  Otherwise, I might have gotten jealous.

	Keith
	SOCIETYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!

	Reverend Mother
	You’ve grown arrogant, Jessica, because you think you’ve given birth to the Queefitz Beebeeyorf.

	Jessica
	Haven’t I?

	Reverend Mother
	Foolish girl!

	[Scene:  The planet Arakkis, aka Doon.  House Atreides has landed, and is taking over spice harvesting operations from the departed house Harkonnen.  STILGARBAGE, the leader of the frethem, the native peoples of Doon, enters the royal chamber, where Leto, Keith, and other members are waiting.  Stilgarbage walks up to Leto and spits in his face]

	Leto
	Thank you for the gift of your moisture.

	Stilgarbage
	Ummm…  Y’ar welcome?  Because that’s what I was doing.  Giving you ‘the gift of my moisture’.  Yeah.  That’s the ticket.  I gots more moisture where that came from, so let me know if you want it.

	Keith
	I’ll take it!

	Stilgarbage
	….  That is excellent.

	Leto
	So is it true that you frethem drink your own pee?

	Stilgarbage
	Yes.

	[With that exposition dump out of the way, we move to the HEART OF THE EMPIRE, where the reverend mother is talking with HELMUT, leader of the SAUERKRAUT, the emporer’s elite guards]

	Reverend Mother
	So, you have two legions of Sauerkraut ready to assist the Harkonnens when they invade Doon?

	Helmut
	Jawuhl.  Wie obey all commands of der fuh…  Er…  Der Emperor.

	Reverend Mother
	Dope.  Remember, the boy and his mother are not to be harmed.  We have plans for them.

	Helmut
	Nein!  Wie must murderspielen das wunderjesus.

	Reverend Mother
	Biiiiiiiitch, DO WHAT I SAY.  Das wunderjesus is off limits!

	Helmut
	Ach!!  Foine.  Wie take them, drop them in das desert.

	[Scene, the Atreides palace back on Doon.  Alarms start going off.  Leto Atreides is running down the hallway]

	Leto
	Somebody deactivated all the shields and let the Harkonnens in!  We have a traitor in our midst!

	[A dart hits Leto in the back.  AL LEONG, family physician to house Atreides, steps out of the shadows]

	Leto
	YOU’RE the traitor?

	Al Leong
	The Harkonnens have my wife and son.  If I didn’t betray you, they were going to kill them!

	Leto
	I’m pretty sure the Harkonnens are going to kill you as well.

	Al Leong
	What makes you say that?

	Leto
	Call it a gut feeling.  Anyway, thanks for betraying me, dick.

	[Al Leong takes Leto’s ring, and wraps it in a red cloth.  We don’t have space for the scene, but baron Harkonnen eventually does kill Al Leong.  Nobody trusts a traitor!]
	[Scene, inside a sky transport.  Keith and Jessica have been captured by the Sauerkraut, who are disguised as Harkonnens so that nobody knows the emperor has aided the takedown of house Atreides.  Shhh!  They are flying Keith and Jessica into the desert to drop them off, as per the reverend mother’s orders]

	Keith
	Geez, it’s a real sausage fest in here.  Out there, too.  Come on guys, it’s not 8945 anymore.  It's 8969.  Chicks can be soldiers too.

	Guard #1
	Chicks can be witches and harlots.

	Keith
	My good sir, I concede the floor.  

	[Jessica glares at Keith]

	Keith
	Umm..  Biiiiiitch, ungag my mother.

	Guard #2
	I think not.

	Keith
	Well then, how about you untie me and we get it on?

	Guard #2
	As a guard, I feel like that wouldn’t be the best move.  However, as a living organism with sexual appetites, you are ridiculous.  So I’m going to go ahead and agree.

	[Guard #2 unties Keith, jumps on him, and they start making out.  Thirty minutes later, Keith Sonny Chiba’s his junk and guard #2 bleeds out.  Keith ungags Jessica]

	Jessica
	Biiiiitch, kill each other!

	[The remaining guards kill each other.  With nobody to pilot the transport, it crashes.  Keith and Jessica survive, and start trekking through the desert]

	Keith
	Wait!  We can’t walk normally.  We’ll attract the sandworms.  I watched a video.  You have to walk like this, it’s called a moonwalk.

	[Keith starts walking backwards.  Jessica also starts walking backwards, and a sandworm eats her]

	Keith
	Damn.  Maybe it was the electric slide?

	[Jessica digs her way out of the sand]

	Jessica
	Dumbass.  If I weren’t a witch, I’d probably be dead.  And if I weren’t boinking you, and you weren’t destined to lead my sect to salvation, I’d probably kill you.

	Keith
	I ain’t leadin’ nuthin’.  Anyway, let’s try it again, this time with feeling.

	[Keith and Jessica start electric sliding through the desert, with some funky chicken thrown in.  They are ambushed by the frethem, led by Stilgarbage and JAMIS, his second in command]

	Stilgarbage
	It’s a witch and her son.  We should take them to the elders.

	Jamis
	No!  We don’t have the resources to support them.  We would be better off taking their moisture.  I challenge the woman to bangagong!

	Jessica
	Let’s get it on.

	Stilgarbage
	No, you cannot challenge the witch, for reasons.

	Jamis
	Fine, then I challenge her champion.

	[Everybody looks at Keith]

	Keith
	What’s going on here?

	Jamis
	I will teach you the ways of desert, boy.

	[Jamis unzips his water reclamation suit.  Keith unzips his cloak, pulls out a knife and stabs Jamis]

	Keith
	I already know the ways of the desert.  Listen up, fools!  In case you didn’t know, I’m like the all powerful shit or whatever.  So no more challenges.  And if any of you freaks even THINKS of laying their hands on my mother, we’re going to be in that tent right over there, you’re welcome to join us.

	Frethem #3
	Wow, just like the prophecy!

	Frethem #5
	A toast to the one who will lead us to overthrow our oppressors!

	[All the frethem raise glasses of pee, and drink them]

	Frethem #5
	That is some damn good pee.

	Keith
	Hook a brother up.

	END PART I