I appreciate truth in advertising.
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Does this movie feature an octopus? YUP.
Is it big? YUP.
DONE. With its title, the movie has made a promise, and it has delivered on that promise. Compare this to, say, “One Battle After Another”. Is there a battle? Not really? Is there another? Maybe? Worthless! The title is a lie. I want the truth!
“Big Octopus” doesn’t just deliver truth in titling. The corporation at the center of the film is called “Greed Biochemical”. You know what they are, you know what they do. No need for 5 minute exposition dumps (at a tight 83 minutes of runtime, we don’t have time for them!). You know they are villains (unless you are a hedge fund asshole who worships gordon gecko, in which case they’re heroes... But either way, you know where you stand). When we do get exposition, instead of taking five minutes, it takes a single awesome line.
Such as:
“Could my brothers’ deaths be related to the little octopus?”
“You have the potential to become a great female scientist.”
Speaking of great female scientists, our trio of researchers at Greed Biochemical happen to be women. They also happen to be in their twenties (in their prime! Look it up), and have outstanding hair in addition to lipstick and rouge. At work! They can both be superb researchers AND keep it lookin’ tight FOR THEMSELVES. Girl power! Well, they also happen to be keeping it tight for the fourth member of their team, who happens to be a complete idiot. You can have additional fun by placing bets on the over/under runtime mark when he bites it. I’ll even break my own rules and NOT spoil it for you.
Even Renny Harlin would marvel at the pacing here. Since we only have 83 minutes, STUFF HAPPENS. Catch the little octopus. Give future great female scientist girlfriend an ultimatum: Sleep with me or DON’T get the octopus. Girlfriend refuses to pimp herself out for octopus (I disagree heartily for this decision. Personally, I can think of few better reasons to pimp myself out). Big octopus attacks. Sell little octopus and teach girlfriend a lesson. This happens in the span of about 3 minutes. Pacing!
If there’s a teeny tiny flaw in the film, it’s that Greed Biochemical’s need to procure the octopus in order to assuage their investors is completely unnecessary, as they have already invented the Bag O’ Infinite Henchmen. The octopus grabs and throws about 20 henchmen into the drink... Yet their number never dwindles. I’m sure the female scientists invented this wondrous device, but fortunately the film left the explanation on the cutting room floor BECAUSE WE DON’T HAVE TIME FOR EXPOSITION!!
I don’t know that I have ever been so disappointed in an audience. “Big Octopus” currently stands at a cool 3.8 on the imdb. How?? You either hit ‘play’ on the movie because you wanted a Big Octopus, in which case YOU GOT ONE, or you ‘play’ on the movie and you didn’t want a Big Octopus, in which case *you ended up getting an unexpected big octopus, so you completely won*. Were there any octopi in “One Battle After Another”? I’ll get back to you when I watch it.
The point is, there are exactly TWO acceptable ratings for “Big Octopus”. You either give it 1 or give it a 10. If you want to take a stand against lame movie titles that tell you nothing, and you appreciate the carnage laid down by enlarged cephalopods, you know what rating it deserves.
Get it together, people.
3.8/10