DOON, PART I [Scene: The dining room of the palatial estate, where JESSICA ATREIDES, witch, is having breakfast with her son, KEITH ATREIDES, scion of house Atreides] Keith Mother, will you please hand me a glass of water? Jessica Use the voice. Keith Biiiiiiitch, gimme the waaa-tare. [Jessica picks up a glass of water, and splashes it in Keith’s face] Jessica See? Remember your training. [Keith picks up Jessica’s glass of water, stares at it, and splashes it in her face. Jessica regards Keith with furious anger, then jumps on him, and they start making out. Keith goes ‘Doon’ on Jessica] Jessica We really need to stop doing this. Keith Hey, we’re not the problem here. We’re just the symptom of the problem. SOCIETY is the problem. [Slurp]. Jessica Fair enough. Just don’t get too attached to your eyes. Keith Wait, what? [Scene: The fighter bay. Ace pilot DIMBULB RHODE ISLAND lands a fighter plane, and Keith is there to greet him. They embrace.] Dimbulb Keith! I just got back from Doon. The Harkonnens left the planet a mess after the emperor decreed that house Atreides take over the spice harvesting. I gotta say, there was a lot of spice. Keith How was the spice? Dimbulb Spicy. Keith Like a spicy meataballa? Dimbulb More like spicy… Balls. [Dimbulb and Keith stare at each other. Dimbulb jumps on Keith and they start making out.] [Scene, Keith is walking with LETO ATREIDES, his father and patron of the noble House Atreides] Leto This ring is the birthright of the male heir to house Atreides. My father bequeathed it to me, and one day I will bequeath it to you. Keith So, we have space travel and starships and energy shields and stuff, but we still have the divine right of kings? How does that make any sense? Leto It makes perfect sense!! It’s genetics. One day, you will use my superior genes to rule house Atreides. Keith Well, mom says I’m going to be jesus or whatever. Leto You need to know something, son. And that’s that mommy thinks she’s magic. There is no magic. There is only power. Don’t focus on a bunch of mumbo jumbo written eons ago, focus on what’s important: MY legacy. Keith What if I don’t want to be the ruler of house Atreides? What if I want to focus on other stuff? Leto What ‘other stuff’ might you be referring to? [Keith and Leto stare at each other. Leto jumps on Keith and they start making out.] Leto Don’t tell your mother. [Scene, a large chamber, where the REVEREND MOTHER of the Yumpin’ Yehosaphats is sitting down. The only other person in the room is Keith, who is standing in front of her] Reverend Mother This is the blargle margleflargle. Keith It is not. Reverend Mother Yes it is. It is coated with the deadliest poison in the universe. One small prick and you will instantly die. Keith Lame. What’s in the box? Reverend Mother Pain. Keith Wrong. Open it up and check it out. [The reverend mother opens the box] Reverend Mother Is that… Keith Yoop. Reverend Mother Just how did that get in there? Keith Want me to outline the steps for you? Reverend Mother That won’t be necessary. I’ve figured it out based on where you’re standing. Keith Listen, I know that that’s not the box you want that in. [The reverend mother raises an eyebrow, then jumps on Keith and they start making out. Keith goes ‘Doon’ on her]. Keith You realize I’m 16 and you’re like, 395. You’re gross. Reverend Mother Armie hammer is gross. I’m just a woman with needs. Keith Whatever. Consider your wrinkly ass cancelled. Reverend Mother Far greater men than you have tried to cancel me. Keith Um, I have like 73 followers on Instospice. Reverend Mother I stand corrected. [Jessica Atreides bursts into the room] Jessica Keith! You’re alive! Keith Yes, and I did it by actually passing the test, and not by having sex with the Reverend Mother. Jessica That’s a relief. Otherwise, I might have gotten jealous. Keith SOCIETYYYYYYYYYYY!!!! Reverend Mother You’ve grown arrogant, Jessica, because you think you’ve given birth to the Queefitz Beebeeyorf. Jessica Haven’t I? Reverend Mother Foolish girl! [Scene: The planet Arakkis, aka Doon. House Atreides has landed, and is taking over spice harvesting operations from the departed house Harkonnen. STILGARBAGE, the leader of the frethem, the native peoples of Doon, enters the royal chamber, where Leto, Keith, and other members are waiting. Stilgarbage walks up to Leto and spits in his face] Leto Thank you for the gift of your moisture. Stilgarbage Ummm… Y’ar welcome? Because that’s what I was doing. Giving you ‘the gift of my moisture’. Yeah. That’s the ticket. I gots more moisture where that came from, so let me know if you want it. Keith I’ll take it! Stilgarbage …. That is excellent. Leto So is it true that you frethem drink your own pee? Stilgarbage Yes. [With that exposition dump out of the way, we move to the HEART OF THE EMPIRE, where the reverend mother is talking with HELMUT, leader of the SAUERKRAUT, the emporer’s elite guards] Reverend Mother So, you have two legions of Sauerkraut ready to assist the Harkonnens when they invade Doon? Helmut Jawuhl. Wie obey all commands of der fuh… Er… Der Emperor. Reverend Mother Dope. Remember, the boy and his mother are not to be harmed. We have plans for them. Helmut Nein! Wie must murderspielen das wunderjesus. Reverend Mother Biiiiiiiitch, DO WHAT I SAY. Das wunderjesus is off limits! Helmut Ach!! Foine. Wie take them, drop them in das desert. [Scene, the Atreides palace back on Doon. Alarms start going off. Leto Atreides is running down the hallway] Leto Somebody deactivated all the shields and let the Harkonnens in! We have a traitor in our midst! [A dart hits Leto in the back. AL LEONG, family physician to house Atreides, steps out of the shadows] Leto YOU’RE the traitor? Al Leong The Harkonnens have my wife and son. If I didn’t betray you, they were going to kill them! Leto I’m pretty sure the Harkonnens are going to kill you as well. Al Leong What makes you say that? Leto Call it a gut feeling. Anyway, thanks for betraying me, dick. [Al Leong takes Leto’s ring, and wraps it in a red cloth. We don’t have space for the scene, but baron Harkonnen eventually does kill Al Leong. Nobody trusts a traitor!] [Scene, inside a sky transport. Keith and Jessica have been captured by the Sauerkraut, who are disguised as Harkonnens so that nobody knows the emperor has aided the takedown of house Atreides. Shhh! They are flying Keith and Jessica into the desert to drop them off, as per the reverend mother’s orders] Keith Geez, it’s a real sausage fest in here. Out there, too. Come on guys, it’s not 8945 anymore. It's 8969. Chicks can be soldiers too. Guard #1 Chicks can be witches and harlots. Keith My good sir, I concede the floor. [Jessica glares at Keith] Keith Umm.. Biiiiiitch, ungag my mother. Guard #2 I think not. Keith Well then, how about you untie me and we get it on? Guard #2 As a guard, I feel like that wouldn’t be the best move. However, as a living organism with sexual appetites, you are ridiculous. So I’m going to go ahead and agree. [Guard #2 unties Keith, jumps on him, and they start making out. Thirty minutes later, Keith Sonny Chiba’s his junk and guard #2 bleeds out. Keith ungags Jessica] Jessica Biiiiitch, kill each other! [The remaining guards kill each other. With nobody to pilot the transport, it crashes. Keith and Jessica survive, and start trekking through the desert] Keith Wait! We can’t walk normally. We’ll attract the sandworms. I watched a video. You have to walk like this, it’s called a moonwalk. [Keith starts walking backwards. Jessica also starts walking backwards, and a sandworm eats her] Keith Damn. Maybe it was the electric slide? [Jessica digs her way out of the sand] Jessica Dumbass. If I weren’t a witch, I’d probably be dead. And if I weren’t boinking you, and you weren’t destined to lead my sect to salvation, I’d probably kill you. Keith I ain’t leadin’ nuthin’. Anyway, let’s try it again, this time with feeling. [Keith and Jessica start electric sliding through the desert, with some funky chicken thrown in. They are ambushed by the frethem, led by Stilgarbage and JAMIS, his second in command] Stilgarbage It’s a witch and her son. We should take them to the elders. Jamis No! We don’t have the resources to support them. We would be better off taking their moisture. I challenge the woman to bangagong! Jessica Let’s get it on. Stilgarbage No, you cannot challenge the witch, for reasons. Jamis Fine, then I challenge her champion. [Everybody looks at Keith] Keith What’s going on here? Jamis I will teach you the ways of desert, boy. [Jamis unzips his water reclamation suit. Keith unzips his cloak, pulls out a knife and stabs Jamis] Keith I already know the ways of the desert. Listen up, fools! In case you didn’t know, I’m like the all powerful shit or whatever. So no more challenges. And if any of you freaks even THINKS of laying their hands on my mother, we’re going to be in that tent right over there, you’re welcome to join us. Frethem #3 Wow, just like the prophecy! Frethem #5 A toast to the one who will lead us to overthrow our oppressors! [All the frethem raise glasses of pee, and drink them] Frethem #5 That is some damn good pee. Keith Hook a brother up. END PART I
No posts