Keith here, with another script. I pitched this three years ago, and the studios were all, here’s some money, make this happen, and I said, no, I need three years, and they said then why are you pitching it now, and I said the only thing I declare is my genius, and they said can you tap into the Asian market and I said I can tap into that ass and they said here’s even more money. So, without further ado...
Fifty Shades of Keith
Open: A ratty apartment. Teribithia Coppertone is talking with her mom, errrr, roommate, Melanie.
Melanie - Teri, later today I have to do this interview with the successful billionaire, Seventh Day Adventist Keith, for my high school paper, the Redmond High Picayune. I’m feeling under the weather, so I was hoping you could go do the interview in my place.
Teri - I could literally spend this entire movie explaining why that sentence was garbage. Let’s start with the fact that you’re in your sixties, and there’s no way you’re in high school.
Melanie - Acting!
Teri - Genius!
Scene: Keith’s office. Teribithia walks in, has an old fashioned paper notepad and pencil.
Keith - Melanie?
Teri - She’s sick, so I’m filling in for her. My name is Teribithia Coppertone.
Keith - I’m Seventh Day Adventist Keith.
Teri - Is Seventh your first name?
Keith - No. My full name is Seventh Day Adventist The Dingo Ate My Baby Keith. Just call me Keith.
Teri - Okay Keith. So, ummm, [Teri bites her lip], I’m supposed to ask these questions. Let’s start with the basics. What is the secret of your success?
Keith - Hard work.
Teri - That’s it?
Keith - Yup. I work hard. I fuck hard, too. But hard work is how you succeed.
Teri - So, you running a billion dollar empire doesn’t have anything to do with you inheriting a billion dollar empire?
Keith - Nope.
Teri - So....... If hard work is the key to success, why isn’t Dominican Lou a billionaire?
Keith - Dominican Who?
Teri - Dominican Lou. He’s the super at my building, but he’s rarely there, since he has like seven other jobs. He works really hard. So, by your logic, he should be successful, but it barely seems like he’s scraping by.
Keith - Well, I work harder than him. Fuck harder, too.
Teri - Really.
Keith - Yowp.
Teri - So... This hard work you do. What, exactly, is it??
Keith - Uh, financial stuff. It would go way over your pretty little head.
Teri - Try me.
Keith - Fine. [ZZZZZZZZZZZZZIP]
Teri - Put it back in your pants, that’s not what I meant. I meant, try explaining to me this complicated financial hard work you do.
Keith - Well... I... Uhhhh... Carefully monitor the... Err... McDonald agricultural index... For... Derivative economic trends... In the... Uhhh... Chinese Dong.
Teri - McDonald agricultural index? As in old McDonald? With the farm?
Keith - NO! A completely different old McDonald. And he didn’t have a farm. He had an agricultural index.
Teri - And how exactly is that hard work?
Keith - I’m on the phone, like, all the time, so I have to, you know, adjust the earpiece thing constantly, and I’m on the computer, so I’m computering it up. It’s hard!
Teri - Uh huh. This interview is over. Good day, sir.
Keith - And good day to you, sir.
Scene: A shot of an answering machine.
Answering Machine - BEEEEEEP. Ola! Es Lou. I cannot come to the phone right now, because I working all the tie. Leave a message, and I will get back to you when I no working, which is never. Adios! BEEEEEEEP.
Teri’s voice - Lou, this is Teribithia Coppertone. I’m in room 237. I... I have to see you. As soon as possible. This is related to official business, and not me wanting you inside me. Since you can’t really get back to me, I’ll have to take care of myself. No! I will find you! Eep! I’m frazzled. Just... Wait for me.
Scene: A shot of a computer screen.
E-Mail - To: Teribitha_Coppertone@Universityofredmond.edu
From: SeventhdayKeith@Evilcorp.org
Dear Teribithia. You did not get to ask all your questions during our interview, so I am e-mailing you the answers now. My favorite color is grey. My favorite food is lich, my favorite sport is lich, and my favorite animal is lich. You must think that I’m phoning these answers in, but I’m not, since I am actually using e-mail.
Listen, the questions aren’t the only reason I’m e-mailing you. You learned all about me, so I figured it’s only fair that I would learn a few things about you. You’re 22, are about to graduate from the university of redmond with a degree in art history, and you work at the Home Plus store at the corner of 5th and Gates. How do I know this? Let’s just say that wealth has its perks. I paid seven million euros for that information.
I have to see you. As soon as possible. Please drop by my office any time.
I fuck hard,
Keith.
Scene: The hallways of Teri’s apartment building. Dominican Lou is walking down the hallway, toolbox in hand. Teri runs up to him.
Teri - Lou! Wait up.
Lou - Es a young white lady. Ola. I no have the tie, I need to get to work.
Teri - I know, I know. Listen, it’s me... Teribithia, from Room 237.
Lou - Ah! Si, si! Is your toilet clogged again? I will fix as soon as I can.
Teri - No, that’s not it. And, for the record, that isn’t me, that’s my roommate Melanie.
Lou - Si. Of course.
Teri - I’m serious. It’s not me.
Lou - Si.
Teri - I would never.
Lou - No.
Teri - I’m glad we cleared that up. Listen... Lou. I’ve been thinking about you... A LOT... And...
Lou - Bye now! Ju no eat beans and cabbage! Adios!
Teri - [rips a fart, causing her dress to waft up, marilyn monroe style] [she frowns]
Scene: Home Plus. Teri has a price gun, and is pricing hoses. Keith walks up.
Keith - Teribithia.
Teri - Mr. Keith? What are you doing here?
Keith - Looking for you. I know you work here, remember? Money well spent.
Teri - Uhhhhhh, so, are you looking for anything in particular?
Keith - Come now, Teribithia. What are you doing here?
Teri - Working. It’s the secret to success, remember?
Keith - Sure... for men. And brown people. Not for *YOU*.
Teri - Why not for me!?
Keith - Have you seen you?! You’re smoking hot! Girls who look like you don’t work in a Home Plus. EVER. Unless your only ambition is to make hicks who need tools cream their jeans, you need to be doing something more suited to your talents.
Teri - My talents?! Like what?
Keith - Like being with me. Move in to my place. I’ve already cleared out a room for you. It’s got pictures of my abs and other girly shit that you’ll love. Let’s get out of here.
Teri - I don’t think so. Now scat.
Keith - Sheeba de bop beep bop shabeeba bop. Wait, I actually do need some tools. I need a shovel, some rope, and some bleach.
Teri - Wow, three fifths of a do it yourself murder kit. Add some duct tape and a bucket and you’ll have everything you need.
Keith - I have no idea what you’re talking about. But if you have those things, go ahead and grab them for me. What’s the bucket for? Wait, don’t tell me. I’ll figure it out. Shyte, right? Yep, a good old fashioned shytebucket. That doesn’t really make any sense... Never mind. I’m sure it will come to me. How much does all that stuff come to? You know what, don’t even tell me. Make up a number and get in touch with my people.
Scene: A hallway, in front of a closet. Lou has a mop. Teri comes running up to him.
Teri - Lou!! Wait up!
Lou - Ola! Oh, es ju. Listen, I working, I no have the tie.
Teri - Ooooooh. Is that your playroom?? Where you keep your... toys and stuff? [Teri bites her lip]
Lou - This is closet. I keep toilet paper. I’m sure you need.
Teri - I told you that wasn’t me. [Farts] Excuse you. Please Lou, just hear me out. I have a contract for you.
Lou - A Contract? Ju... Want to hire me?
Teri - Not exactly. This isn’t an employment contract... It’s a sex contract.
Lou - Que?
Teri [starts flipping through pages of the contract] - Listen, there’s a whole lot of legal jargon in here, it’s pretty complicated... But... It basically boils down to this. I have to do whatever you say. Sexually. If I refuse, you get to come on my face.
Lou - I no have the tie.
Teri - Wait, wait!!! Here’s the thing. So... When you tell me what to do... If I obey... You get to come on my face.
Lou - No.
Teri - PLEASE, LOU, JUST COME ON MY FACE!!!
Lou - I WORKING!!!
Scene: Teri and Melanie’s apartment. Teri is talking with Melanie.
Teri - Mom... I mean my friend in high school Melanie... It’s so complicated with Lou. I want to be with him, but he’s working all the tie.
Melanie - Need I remind of you of a modern classic from 1988? A little picture called WORKING GIRL? If anyone knows about working, it’s fucking me.
Teri - He works so hard... He is the America! I want America inside me. And all over my face. Why is it so hard???
Melanie - Fucking Working Girl. That’s what we were saying. Millenials don’t understand metaphor anymore.
Teri - Or possibly they’ve never heard of your movie. I hadn’t, until just now. What do I do?
Melanie - I know you’re hot, but that’s not enough anymore. Guys are into the weird sex stuff.
Teri - Weird? Like what?
Melanie - Start with this. Go find your dad, and fuck him.
Teri - Aight.
Melanie - Use your thighs and put his head in the miami vice. If he’s rocking the 3-day chin stubble, and doing it right, he’ll sand all your flesh off. Down there you’ll look like the Exxon Valdez on its period.
Teri - Great. Then what?
Melanie - I don’t know! Fucking win! Just get it done.
Scene: Teri and Keith walking in the garden.
Keith - Teri... I need to come clean. This whole thing... It’s not about sex. It’s about... You know... Core.
Teri - We’re not together. I don’t even know how we ended up in this scene with each other.
Keith - That’s the point. We ARE together. I know I’m screwed up. This is fifty shades of... Yo, MTV raps? I need you.
Teri - What’s that smell?
Keith - Say what now?
Teri - Is that... A shytebucket?
Keith - You know what, Teri? Fuck you. Telling me to get a fucking bucket, what the fuck. And your goddamn store charged me a hundred and eighty thousand dollars for that bucket, so you’re damn right I used it.
Teri - Seventh Day Adventist The Dingo Ate My Baby Keith, I would say it’s over, but it never was. Goodbye.
Keith - It’s not over until the… Uhhh… Whatevs.
[Keith strangles Teri]
Scene: The garden. Keith is there with Lou.
Lou - Ju need work done?
Keith - Yeah. Here’s what I need. Get rid of this body, and make sure there are no traces for the cops to find.
Lou - Ah si, si. I need shovel, rope, bleach, duct tape, and a bucket.
Keith - Wow, I actually have all that stuff. Here you go.
Lou - ..... This bucket has shyte in it.
Keith - WHAT THE FUCK WAS I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH IT?!
Teri - Ugh. What happened?
Keith - You’re alive! I mean... Uhhh... ‘Sup, girl?
Teri - Lou?! I’m so glad you’re here!
Lou - I no have the tie.
Keith - So, I’m just gonna wrap this movie up right around here, for no real reason.
Teri - LOU!!!!
Lou - Que?
Keith - I’m out.
THE END?