Goat
How I extorted my fake daughter to find out if a movie can successfully brainwash your kids, and started loving the bomb.
What are the two most important movies of the last 10 years?
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I’m not an industry insider (although I play one on TV), but my best educated guess is “K-Pop Demon Hunters” and “Sing 2”. “K-Pop Demon Hunters” was in the netflix top ten for almost a year, and “Sing 2” was consistently in the top ten for OVER TWO YEARS. What do these movies have in common? Hypnotic power. Parents can plop their kids in front of these movies, leave, and get a sorely needed 2 hours of peace while their kids are enraptured by the bright colors, songs, and constant motion on the screen. Then... They can repeat the action. These movies emanate this field of child attention magnetism that makes them invaluable as parental tools. A successful film on netflix will get 10s of millions of views, possibly 100+ million if it’s a huge hit. “Sing 2” and “K-Pop Demon Hunters” measure their views in the BILLIONS because kids will watch them over and over again.
So, the big question is: Does “Goat” qualify? Will it entrance your kids and give you those two peaceful hours?
As much as I am childlike in my curiosity, imagination, and heedless optimism, I am an old man in body and wisdom. Therefore, I’m not really qualified to answer that question based on my own experience with the movie. I also don’t have any kids, so I can’t plonk them down in front of the TV to get their reactions.
Never let it be said that I will not go to great lengths for my loyal Movieshyte audience. Since I don’t have any kids, I invented one: My daughter, Cap’n Karen.
I asked Cap’n Karen to watch “Goat” top to bottom (t2b), in order to find out if it enchanted her into two hours of blissful silence. Cap’n Karen is 19 years old, and she said “No thanks, boomer. Fuck off.” Boomer?!? I’m not *that* old. I’m... let’s put it at “Old X”.
Again, loyalty to YOU forced my hand, and I promised Cap’n Karen a new phone if she would just sit down and watch the damn movie. She reluctantly agreed.
Did I get those two joyful hours? Well, it wasn’t entirely silent. Cap’n Karen ended up live-streaming herself watching “Goat”, as a “reaction video”. By doing this, she performed a kind of cinematic molecular gastronomy, turning a form of mindless content into a different form of mindless content that tastes the same. I suppose, if I wanted her genuine reaction, I should have watched her live-stream. The thing is, I don’t know how, and even if I did the last thing I would get from watching my daughter pimp herself out to her 53 followers is “peace”. So, I had to get her reaction the old fashioned way, by asking her.
Movieshyte: “Hey honey, how was the movie? Did it keep your attention?”
Cap’n Karen: “Where’s my phone?”
Movieshyte: “Surely you can’t be serious. Obviously I was lying. Who am I, daddy warbucks? If anything, I’m Papi Movieshyte. Yeah, you’re not getting a new phone.”
Cap’n Karen: “I HATE YOU!!!” (runs upstairs and slams the door to her room shut).
Movieshyte: “What, no ‘and don’t call me shirley?!?’ How the heck do you even set up these zoomers? Friggin’ kids. Whaddayagonnado?”
I feel like, if I had limited Cap’n Karen’s phone time when she was younger, maybe she wouldn’t be addicted to social media, and if she wasn’t completely oblivious to social cues and the people around her, maybe she would be nicer. But what could I do? I was busy getting the low down on movies, I didn’t have the time to police my daughter’s phone use 24/7. Even if I tried to take her phone away, she would just accuse me of ruining her stuff and then she would run up to her room and slam the door. Maybe her mother could have gotten through to her, if her mother hadn’t pulled off that impossible heist and relocated to a beach, where she’s now earning 20%. I’m still waiting for that child support check! I still wouldn’t buy Cap’n Karen a new phone.
So, where does that leave us, in terms of *Goat*’s utility as a digital babysitter? I honestly don’t know. The colors are bright, there is nonstop dialogue and action, and while it isn’t a musical per se, they manage to sneak a few tracks in there. I apologize, loyal audience, but you’re probably going to have to run the experiment with your own kids in order to find out whether or not “Goat” can be a substitute parent.
There is some stuff in the movie. I thought it was cool that the “roarball” teams featured men and women (Friggin’ liberal hollywood! Trying to shove female basketball players in our face! How. DARE. They?!?!?!?! Mennnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn!!!) There’s a message in there about teamwork being more important than winning, but then the team goes ahead and wins anyway, thus making the message pointless (See: Every movie about team sports ever made).
But, at the end of the day, the movie was mundane enough that it would actually cause me to use a garbage expression like “at the end of the day”. It was actually in the morning. That expression is trash.
Hopefully “Goat” can entrance your kids for two hours, and heck, you could even run the experiment on yourself, and possibly get two hours of peace from your own fucked up self. Good luck, and godspeed. Unlike the road runner in the movie, who never actually runs. Why is she there?!?
9/10