Scene: Keith is with another soldier, showing him a picture
Soldier: That’s a right lovely bird, mate. Is she your girl?
Keith: ....Yuuuuuup!
Staff Sgt: You! Colonel wants you in the command tent.
Keith: And where might that be?
Staff Sgt: Up two rows, hang a right, and bob’s your uncle.
Keith: What?! My only uncle is SAM, you pinko limey puke!
Staff Sgt: Um, YOU’RE British!
Keith: I am??? Well, tolly yop... zeeg?
Staff Sgt: ...Jaysus. You know what, the lingo, the accent, forget it. It’s called suspension of disbelief, and the british audiences have been forced to utilize it through decades of terrible yank actors.
Keith: I’ll have you know, I have three “shyteys” for supporting male performance in a diverse off-off broadway show. I can act. Accents too. Nigerian. “Dis is OFFRICA.” Boom.
Staff Sgt: Whatever. Just get to the command tent.
Keith enters the command tent, the colonel is waiting for him. Keith salutes
Keith: So... ‘Sup?
Colonel: Tomorrow at noon, the gleeb glorb division is going to mount an offensive. It’s a trap. They’ll be eliminated to a man.
Keith: And this interests me why?
Colonel: Don’t you have a brother in the gleeb glorbs?
Keith: ...Yes? I have no idea.
Colonel: You need to get this message, notarized by myself, to the commander of the gleeb glorbs so that the attack is called off.
Keith: How did you come by this intel?
Colonel: Via spy plane.
Keith: So can you fly the plane over and give them the message that way?
Colonel: We don’t have time for that, we’re keeping it real. Choose a man, take the message, get this done.
Keith: Fine. Pikachu, I choose you!!
Pikachu: Pika pee? [Funny, that’s what your mom said last night. I redefined the ‘shocker’, and she won’t walk right for weeks. Pikachu out!]
Colonel: Pikachu’s off limits. Choose somebody else.
Keith: Who is that guy?
Colonel: That’s Puupas Puupadoukus. He’s greek.
Keith: I’m not hanging out with somebody named that. How about that asian guy? He know karate?
Colonel: That’s Ching Chong. He also has a brother in the gleeb glorbs.
Keith: Let me guess... Chang?
Colonel: No, Douki Puupadouddi. Half asian, half greek.
Keith: …Douki Puupadouddi? Hard pass. I guess I’ll take that guy over there.
Colonel: That’s Rando.
Keith: Rando... Carrisian?
Colonel: You know, in 2026, I don’t think this dialogue would be acceptable. Fortunately, it’s 1917, so we’re fine.
Keith: Rando it is. Let’s go!
Scene: Keith and Rando are walking in the field
Keith: Listen. This movie isn’t big enough for two leads, so one of us has to die in the first act. Spoiler alert: It’s you. You’re going to get stabbed when the german pilot crashes. Just to give you a heads up.
Rando: ...What alert now?
Keith and Rando come up to a farm. A german plane crashes, Rando runs over and pulls the german pilot out of the plane. Keith moseys on over to them.
Keith: This german guy is evil, right?
Rando: He’s actually not! This is Dieter! He’s been in love with planes ever since he was a little boy, and he couldn’t wait to...
Keith: Cool story, bro. Keith pulls out a knife and stabs Rando and Dieter.
Scene: Keith happens upon a convoy stuck in the mud
Keith: Who are you guys?
Soldier2: Oim from the 31st, mick over there is from the 87th, and chet is from the 56th. We were supposed to rendevous with the 93rd when we came across the 25th.
Keith: Eight zero zero eight five. Boobs.
Chet: And who moight you be then?
Keith: I’m trying to get the gleeb glorbs. Can I hitch a ride with y’all? I mean, can meself, er, bloody bastards?
Mick: We’re stuck in the mud.
Keith: How long you been in the mud?
Chet: About a week.
Keith: A WEEK?
Chet: It’s like this, see. Maybe we’s had it with the killin’ and the dyin’, so maybe we’s stuck in the mud, and as long as we’s in the mud, we ain’t in the shit.
Keith: Listen, if I don’t get this message to the gleeb glorbs, they’re all going to die.
Mick: For reals yo?
Keith: I have no idea.
Chet: FINE we’ll push this blimey bastard out o’ the mud fer ye. But ye best deliver that message!
Keith: ...Yuuuuup.
Scene: Keith is in a bombed out French city, and he stumbles upon a french woman and her baby in one of the buildings.
Anais: Bonjour, american icehole! [Hello, american asshole!]
Keith: Hey girl. I don’t speak french, but I know you just said you want some of this. I’m more than happy to oblige.
Anais: Je n'ai aucun intérêt pour les dongs américains sauf s'ils sont noirs [I need milk for my baby!]
Keith: I got you, girl. What’s up with the baby? He like to watch? Cool.
Anais: Si tu entrais en moi, tu ne reviendrais pas vivant. [Please help us!]
Keith: You know it girl. Let’s get it on. Whup, look at the time. I gotta save the gleeb glorbs. Don’t worry, I’ll be back.
Anais: Tu ferais mieux de ne pas dire qu'il y aura une suite à ce morceau de merde. [Yay!!]
Scene: Keith has finally made it to the gleeb glorbs. They charge, Keith runs through the bombardment, and finds the sergeant major
Keith: I have a message for you from the colonel!
Sgt. Mjr: Who are you?
Keith: I’m Keith, duh. Listen, you can’t charge the german position. It’s a trap, they’ll wipe you out.
Sgt. Mjr: Tolly yop zeeg! Well, as you can see, we already charged. Everybody is dead except me.
Keith: Well then, no witnesses
Keith pulls out a knife and stabs the sgt. mjr
Keith: I’m the king of england!!!!!!!!
Anais: You’re in france, idiot.
Keith: So that’s why it smells like underarm and bung. This is maga country.
Anais: We better not roll the credits here.
ROLL CREDITS