At some point during “Nuremberg”, most characters with a speaking part will eventually give a long speech about how the nazis are bad. Unless you’re screening the film for the azov battalion, WE FUCKING KNOW. I’m sorry, but we know the nazis were bad people. Several movies made every year remind us. If you pressed them on it, even the azov battalion would probably admit that they’re dicks.
——
Speaking of the azov battalion, a few years ago I actually secured an interview with Piotr, a member of the organization. My plan was to sell it to “Tiger Beat” magazine as a freelance article. By the time they read the interview and declined to pick it up (Piotr hadn’t gotten the memo that he needed a 6-pack of abs), the whole Ukraine war was passe and nobody was interested. Well, the Ukraine war is still passe, but I can’t think of a better forum for a interview with a ukrainian resistance fighter than a review of a movie about putting german officers on trial in the mid 1940s. I immediately purchased the interview from myself for the price of $lemonpepperbonelesswingfromwingstop, and am publishing it here for my loyal audience.
Movieshyte: Piotr, welcome!
Piotr: Bro! Is good to be here. Kidding, I don’t know who you are. Agent says you pay US dollars for interview, so Piotr pick up phone.
M: The check’s in the mail! So, Piotr, do you sympathize with the palestinians?
P: Why?
M: Well, because, like your fellow ukrainians, they’re being invaded by their neighbor.
P: Bro. Ukrainian is patriot fighting for freedom. Palestinian is dirty thief. World know this. Thing is, palestinian only steal mounds of clay and wooden boards, because is all there is in palestine. So, in gaza, is like knock knock, is yusef home? Is massad at door! Sorry, yusef cannot come to door, am busy stealing mound of clay! Then BANG BANG BANG yusef is shot dead, and massad is big hero. This is what world wants.
M: The world wants... to save mounds of clay from being stolen?
P: No. Well, small group clay lovers, maybe. But most no. World wants spectacle.
M: Could you elaborate?
P: Of course bro. War is distraction. Unless war is saying hello, I am nuclear missile, am blowing you up now! Or hello, am military liaison, am here to tell you child is dead in war, but now we give medal, medal is copper plated, is worth more than child, so winner is you. If war not saying these things, then war is distraction from crap existence. To most of world, war is not machine of death, war is way to feel good about self by being on the x, and saying “oh I support the poor ukranians with all my heart on ab day! Tomorrow is uyghurs being brainwashed by chinese plus glutes, stay tuned!” and watch likes flood in. War is likes.
M: You’re part of the azov battalion, so you’re a nazi, correct?
P: Of course bro!
M: So, don’t you, like, want the palestinians to blow up israel?
P: Bro. Piotr not care one way or another. Nazi is not so much about hate jew. Nazi is about love money.
M: I thought that’s what jew was about?
P: Is what everything is about. In past, jew have money, so best way to get money is take from jew. Say jew is dirty vagrant, and world agree, so take money is easy, because world not care. Until blow up france. Then world care, BIG TIME. So, if you want take money from jew, do not blow up france is lesson. Anyway, now is now. Jew still have money, but united states government have EVEN MORE money. Coincidence? You decide, bro. United states give money to fight russia, so now Piotr blow up russian, get millions of US dollar. Is win-win! Maybe russia also blow up Piotr! Win-win-win! For palestinian, nobody is giving US dollar to fight israel. So palestinian getting blown up for free. You ask if Piotr sympathize with palestinian, answer is no. Piotr pity them.
M: What’s your favorite halloween candy?
P: Is vodka. For palestinian, is rocks.
M: So, after you, er, defeat russia, what happens then?
P: Bro. Defeat russia, not defeat russia, is not important. What is important is Piotr is on beach, is earning 20%.
M: Well, I was told by your people that you have a hard out, so we have to wrap it up here. Thanks for your time!
P: Time is money, bro.
——
Time *is* money, and if you’re going to make a two and half hour movie where every character is making a long winded speech about the nazis were terrible and how we had to officially condemn them in order to not repeat history, your movie will cease being a movie and start being a public service announcement. If you’re making a public service announcement and NOT concluding it with “Knowing is half the battle!”, then I’m just ignoring it.
To make matters worse, “Nuremberg” actually tells us the movie it should have been... During the closing credits. As the ‘factoids’ about various characters in the movie scroll right before the credits roll, we are informed that Douglas Kelley, the shrink played by Rami Malek, eventually killed himself by taking cyanide. This is the exact same way Hermann Goring, played by Russell Crowe, died. WHAT?!!?!? WHERE WAS THAT MOVIE? The scenes between goring and kelley were my favorite scenes in the movie... But they weren’t *THAT*. They weren’t a glimpse into evil so terrifying and unsettling that the shrink is left no alternative except to emulate that evil in death. *That* movie sounds interesting, and it sounds like an actual MOVIE. But we don’t get it, we’re TOLD it right before the closing credits.
Instead of the final act being a showdown between the clinical civility of kelley versus the inexorable inhumanity of goring... We get a courtroom scene. It’s a courtroom scene where goring has the prosecution “on the ropes” with his charm and logical defense of his role in the war, and they have to trick him, “A Few Good Men” style, into implicating himself. Let’s go back to *time is money*, because this entire sequence is a waste of 30+ minutes. There are absolutely no stakes to this scene, because the chance of goring and rest of the nazi high command NOT getting convicted was zero. We know it now, AND THEY KNEW IT THEN. A character even tells us, the whole point of the trial is to show that law and civilization can triumph over unrestrained evil! Nobody is putting hermann goring on trial for war crimes, and then saying “We had no idea you were this charming. You’re free to go”. But we’re expected to *believe* that there is dramatic tension and the verdict is in doubt? The whole nazi command was always going to be sentenced to death.
Another infuriating detail from this not-really-a-movie movie is that Russell Crowe is *awesome* as goring. It’s his best performance in years, and that includes “The Pope’s Exorcist” (which I haven’t seen). Rami Malek is the perfect choice to portray that descent into madness that we didn’t get. Asking great actors to apply their craft in the service of the mundane ultimately seems like... A waste.
Were the nazis bad? Yup. Is it worth repeating the message? Yup. Is it worth repeating at the expense of actually having a true cinematic experience? Well, that’s not up to me. It’s up to you.
8/10