In a hole in the ground, there lived a keith.
This particular keith happened to be named Keith. He was short, hirsute, and like most of his fellows in keithington, he enjoyed lazy sunday afternoons, pissing, and the sausage.
On a particular fine day, a random dude in a floppy hat walked up to Keith.
“Yo. I’m gandalf.”
“Is that name supposed to mean anything to me? Get the fuck out of here.”
“Listen, yaicehole. Right behind me are 13 dwarves. They’re going back to Mt. whatever to take back their shyte. 13 is an unlucky number, and they needed a 14th, and I suggested you, because you’re short and nimble.”
“You’re not allowed to say ‘dwarves’. Call them by their proper name. Midgets.”
——
That night, there was a big party, and Gandalf introduced the 13 dwarves.
“This is Sprinkles son of Hammerforge, Rosdower, PP Cummings, MC McMc, Peubicon Kim, DJ Tasty Taste, DJ Pasty Paste, Tweedledork, John ‘Cotton’ Candy, Fred Smrz, Mailbox Iris Mang, Teddy Blue Balls, and Isaac ‘Patricide’ Oscar. Our 14th memeber used to be Isaac’s dad. You can figure out what happened to him.”
“Other than Rosdower, those names are dope.” Keith wistfully remarked.
——
After the party, the merry band set off on an adventure. Their first encounter was with three random trolls.
“Hey, you know that 3 in every 1 girl says she’s trans now?! What is middle earth coming to?”
“What’s worse, these girls are MUTILATING themselves. If anybody is going to be mutilating girls, it’s going to be MEN. Certainly not themselves, and not their doctors, unless those doctors are men.”
“Not to mention these stupid girls are ruining sports by competing with boys and getting pwned. Girls are the worst! The good news is, the mutilation option is always on the table if they go out of control.”
“Here here!”
Then gandalf summoned the forum moderator, and the trolls were all turned to stone. They happened to have a bag of random weapons.
“Hey, this sword is called Skullripper, the final judgement.” said gandalf.
“Hmm, I got this sword called Yrinal, the open sluice.”
“You can keep that one.”
——
They ran into a bunch of goblins, and it was touch and go for a while there, but then gandalf remembered he was a wizard and exploded the goblins like Zoe Kazan.
The party went into the mountains, where Keith chatted with Gandalf.
“So, what makes you a wizard anyways?”
“Lots of stuff. Like, I can see the future.”
“Really?! What happens in the future?”
“I fight a balrog and we kill each other. It’s cool, though, because I get resurrected.”
“Ressurected?! Who are you, jesus?”
“Basically. I get resurrected as ‘gandalf the white’, so I am like my boy jesus, because he’s white as well.”
“Actually, jesus was middle eastern. Swarthy. We know this because he was born in the middle east. The white folks were further north, where there was a lot less sunlight. Skin color is a function of geography.”
...
“HOW. DAREST. THOU!!! You know what? I don’t have to put up with this noise. Screw all y’all, I’m outta here!”
Gandalf left the party.
——
They went into the mountains, where a blizzard hit and they were separated. Keith ended up by himself in a system of caves. He found a ring, which had the engraving, To Galadriel, remember when I put it in you consensually, literally and figuratively? Xoxoxo Sauron.
Then Keith ran into a weird frog creature.
“Hey, mr. weird frog guy, I’m lost. Can you help a brother out?”
“Lookee here. I challenge you to a game of riddles. If you win, I show you the way out. If I win, I get to eat your lame ass.”
“Challenge accepted. First riddle. How long is my dong?”
“That’s not a riddle!”
“Ya lose. Show me the way out.”
“FINE. Ummm, 5cm?”
“Urrrrrrrrrrrrrong. We don’t even use the metric system, because we’re way to cool. The answer is 1.9685 inches.”
“That’s the @#$!ing same!”
“No it’s not! If you don’t know your units, you suck. Now show me the way out, loser.”
“I’m eating you.”
Keith put on the ring, which made him invisible, and escaped.
——
They ended up in the woods with giant spiders, who, for some reason, could talk.
“Hey, how is it we can talk?! We don’t got no vocal cords.”
“What am I, an entymologist over here? Fuggetaboutit! I’m a spider.”
“No need to get snippy.”
“Snippy?! You want to know what I’m doing tomorrow night? I’m having sex! That means I splooge and my wife eats me!”
“Ouch. Any way to get out of date night? Maybe say you’re working late?”
“So what, I bang my secretary and then SHE eats me? I mean, she’s way hotter, so I guess it’s better... But it still sucks!”
“I feel ya, man.”
Then Keith killed all the spiders, because he was invisible and they couldn’t do anything about it.
——
He rejoined the dwarves and they ended up in the kingdom of the wood elves. The dwarves were captured, because they had axes and the elves had bows and if you bring an axe to a bowfight you’re not making Darwin proud. Errr... D’Ar’Wynn.
The elf king addressed the dwarves. “What are you dirty, dirty dwarves doing in the land of the pure, fair skinned elves?”
A female sodomite elf said “Yes! They’re so, so dirty.”
Sprinkles said “Er, we’re applying for asylum?”
“Ugh!! We have a new law. You can’t apply for asylum at the border. Go back to where you came from and apply through the proper channels. You know what? It’s going to cost too much to send you back. Put these losers on a caravan to rivendell and let THEM deal with this. You know what? Fuck it. It’ll be easier to kill your asses. I sentence you to death.”
It was looking grim, but fortunately the female sodomite elf let the dwarves out of prison and they escaped.
——
They ended up at Mt. whatever and sent Keith in to talk to the dragon. The dragon woke up.
“I know you’re here thief, I can smell you. You smell great. What is that?”
“Old spice body wash.”
“Can I borrow some?”
“No you can’t borrow my old spice body wash. It’s for me!”
“I’ll trade you a payday bar for it.”
“Are you kidding me?! Actually, that sounds pretty yummy. Deal. Wait! @#$! you! I’m here to steal your shyte. Wait up, is this a first edition of ‘mein kampf’, by gandalf?! This is harder to get than that zoe kazan cut from earlier.”
“Yup, I’m super proud of it.”
“I’m stealing it.”
“RAR!!”
——
The dragon flew out to destroy the human village. Fortunately, there was an archer named bard, which is stupid, because he wasn’t actually a bard, he was an archer. The archer gave a rousing speech to his arrow.
“Black arrow, you’ve never failed me. I’ve always retrieved you, because I am literally insane. Go ye and splice the chronozone so that mixeljub can rise and transmogrify the troposplat.”
“Why are you talking to an arrow?!” the arrow demanded to know, then it was fired, and it flew true and the dragon was slayed.
THE END.
Except it’s actually not. Five armies decided to fight for the shyte. If you were an asshole, you would make an entire movie out of that last sentence. Anyway, the eagles ended up winning, because ‘Merica.
THE ACTUAL END