At the end of Hallmark’s “The Royal We”, prince Desmond gets down on one knee, and says “Princess Beatrix, I am well and truly in love with you. Will you marry me?” to which Beatrix responds, “I will marry you for exactly that reason.”
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Wait up. “I will marry you for exactly that reason”?!? In the history of the earth, there have been about... 5+ billion marriage proposals (which is 5+ billion too many. Marriage is a mind control device invented by the swiss, designed to subjugate women and artificially prop up the diamond ring market)? Out of those 5+ billions, ZERO have been answered with the words “I will marry you for exactly that reason”. It is a horribly clunky and awkward line, and is markedly worse at conveying mutual love than, say, “Yes!” or a similar response that has actually been used. Those words “I will marry you for exactly that reason” existed... But they did *not* exist in that order before this scene. The phrase was so terrible, it was essentially impossible. Yet, the writers of “The Royal We” found it and gave it to Beatrix.
How? How did “the impossible sentence” come to be?
My first instinct was that AI wrote it. So I asked a chatbot if they could have written that sentence. They responded “The sentence is structurally sound and it is possible that I could have written it.” We know that AI lies about everything, therefore by reverse osmosis, we know the sentence is NOT structurally sound and AI could NOT have written it.
Well, it was the world’s greatest detective, Columbo, who said “One more thing... Once you get rid of all the shyte that’s wrong, the shyte that’s left is the right shyte”. To translate, Columbo was saying that once you eliminate the impossible, then whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth.
The truth is, in order to pull that phrase out of impossibility and write it as dialogue... The writers needed to use magic.
CHOMSKY WAS RIGHT.
Normally, in academic discourse, name drop = mic drop. I am well within my rights as an intellectual snob to end the review here and claim victory. Since I am a snob of the people, I will actually tell you what I mean by that.
I am referring to a famous 1971 debate between the father of postmodernism, Michel Foucault, and the father of modern linguistic theory (and also the purveyor of magical nonsense) Noam Chomsky. Chomsky’s argument during that debate is, essentially, that human beings (and not, say, cats) have this magical essence within them that serves as a beacon of language of morality that exists outside of human experience or environment. Foucault’s argument is that Chomsky is uuuuuuuuuuuuuurrrrrrrrrrroooooonnnnnnnnnnnnnnggggggggggggg.
I always thought Foucault won this debate fairly handily. I respect Chomsky’s contributions to linguistics and his defense of progressive politics for the past five decades... But I never really bought his magical sauce. I believe it was Columbo who said “One more thing... if it looks like magic, prolly ‘tain’t.” To translate, Columbo was saying that any advanced technology will appear to be magic to those who don’t understand it. What Chomsky attributes to unique human essence has to be function of environment or experience that we aren’t proficient enough to detect yet.
Or so I thought. That was before princess Beatrix said “I will marry you for exactly that reason”. That sentence was pulled from an alternate dimension, and the only way that is possible is by human magic. Chomsky was right, and therefore cats are cute little furballs of mundane pointlessness. Sorry cats, no magic for you!
It’s not just me that believes in magic. Princess Beatrix’s best friend, Chloe, does as well. When Chloe learns that her best friend is actually a princess of a small european country, and that she must marry the prince of a neighboring country in order to prevent the two countries going to war, the only rational response from Chloe is “Clearly I am in the matrix, because all of reality is crumbling around me and nothing makes sense anymore.” Instead her response is “Girrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrllllllllllllll!!!!!!” Who needs reality?
Another acceptable response from Chloe would have been “Beatrix, you’re RICH? And we just had lunch at mickey D’s?!?!?” [suplex]. Actually, Chloe and Beatrix are fairly well off, as they are creators of a non profit charity that teaches young girls how to become young girlbosses. Makes sense that it’s non profit! Or does it? Chloe and Beatrix actually run their “non profit” like a small business, and make their cash from investment capital. They convince investors that their charity might not return money, but it will return “audience capture” which is worth MORE than money, because in the internet age, internet users with no money = money by magical transmogrification (CHOMSKYYYY!). The current AI investment model is built on this very principle!
Beatrix and Chloe’s “non profit” (or should I say “racket”) gets them enough cash that they both have really nice apartments (this is without any money from Beatrix’s royal lineage). Magic!
While financial magic might work out for Chloe... It might have served her well to realize that she actually was in the matrix, or, at least, a rom-com, because she gets to be part of the “best friends trope” where the best friends of the leads ALSO get together! Fun! Unfortunately for Chloe, she is a 30 something woman, and prince Desmond’s best friend is his 70 year valet, Edwin. Yup, the movie teases Chloe and Edwin getting it on. They never actually hook up, because this is a PG rated Hallmark movie, so nobody gets to hook up, but they certainly seem into each other! Through this Chloe/Edwin relationship, we affirm the most important rule of Hallmark movies: Very attractive people should get together with other very attractive people. The “others” can get together if they want. Therefore, because she’s not a knockout, Chloe ends up with a 70 year old. Beatrix’s even more attractive sister (played by Movieshyte favorite Nicola Poesner from “Mythica”!! Go Nicola!) ends up with an even more attractive man than prince Desmond! The rule of attractiveness is maintained, all is well in the Hallmark Cinematic Universe.
You should watch the movie for exactly that reason.
3/10