“The movie’s not as good as the book.”
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Since hundreds of years before the dawn of history, this has been the mantra of movie snoots the world over, possibly including yours truly. In regards to 2026’s “Wuthering Heights” film, I will definitely say the movie’s not as good as the book. In fact, it’s actually NOT the book at all. But... Does that make it ‘bad’? Well, ‘good’ and ‘bad’ are relative terms. My answer to that question is different than that of, say, Rick Mybars. But I’ll go ahead and say the movie has merit, which is a pretty low bar, since every movie has merit.
I know this is movieshyte, and not bookshyte (patent pending), but I’ll give you the basics of Emily Bronte’s “Wuthering Heights” novel: Despite how hollywood tries to sell it, it’s not a love story, it’s a hate story. Our ‘heroes’, Heathcliff and Cathy, do have an intimate connection, but it’s rooted in spite. The equation is actually pretty simple. Spite = passion = living. Love = comfort = death. Cathy loves Edgar, and that love saps her will to live and she dies. Heathcliff hates her for dying, and the hate keeps him alive. He finally forgives her and he dies. The end. Oh, spoiler alert for a novel written in 1847.
The equation of the movie is entirely different. The movie equation is violence + humiliation = sex. Now... This isn’t exactly a groundbreaking equation, and it makes the “Wuthering Heights” film a spiritual progeny of something like “Fifty Shades of Grey” moreso than the original novel. Not that you need “Fifty Shades of Grey” to prove the equation. Raise your hand if you’ve ever had a really nasty fight, and the makeup sex was some of the best sex you’ve ever had. Yeah, my extradigitalsensoryawesomeness sees those hands. We know the equation is legitimate.
It starts from the first scene in the movie, where Cathy is a little girl watching somebody get hanged and getting... Bothered by it. As wrong as that sounds, it will not be her most insane moment.
Heathcliff (Jacob Elordi) and Cathy (Margot Robbie) have a fun relationship. She humiliates him publicly, he takes it in public, and in turn humiliates her privately, and they both get turned on by it, but since it’s the 1800s they don’t actually start fucking until the second half of the film, at which point Cathy is married to Edgar, but she and Heathcliff start going at it like rabbits while still alternately declaring undying love while also humiliating and handing burn notices to each other. To be honest... It gets a little exhausting.
This is why Jacob Elordi was cast as Heathcliff. His acting chops are fine, he’s aware enough that he lets his co-stars (like Oscar Isaac in “Frankenstein” or Cailee Spaeny in “Priscilla”) blow him off the screen. But he’s tall. He’s handsome. If they were to re-cast “Fifty Shades of Grey” he’d make a fine christian grey. I actually don’t know why they put Jamie Dornan in that role in the first place. I’m a fan but... He’s kind of a ponce. Dakota Johnson is fine, but I would upgrade her to “Norwegian Dakota Johnson”, Renate Reinsve.
Again... This isn’t the book. The whole paradigm of “attractive people should be together” isn’t just a staple of hollywood, but Hallmark movies in particular. Instead of a hate story, we have a Hallmark romantic... Thriller?
There’s the word... “Romantic”. The word that sells the whole thing. Margot Robbie. Jacob Elordi. Fucking. Romance! But what do you call romance between two monsters? Because Heathcliff and Cathy might be two of the most horrific people in England.
The pivotal scene of the movie comes at the beginning of Act III, where Heathcliff learns that Cathy is pregnant. (thanks to Cathy’s treacherous friend Nelly, a baffling character who only seems there to be a random plot advancer). The following scene unfolds. I’m paraphrasing here, but this is the gist of what they’re saying:
Heathcliff: “You’re pregnant?! Is the baby mine?”
Cathy: “It can’t be yours, I was pregnant before you came back.”
Heathcliff: “Wait, what? You’ve been pregnant this whole time we’ve been fucking like 5 times a day?”
Cathy: “Well, I was kind of hoping you would take me with such ferocity that I would lose the child. It’s Edgar’s and I don’t want it.”
Heathcliff: “Oh, well then. Allow me to oblige.”
[They start fucking]
He succeeds. Cathy has a miscarriage and dies from the complications. Like... This is *romance*? She asks him to fuck her baby out of her AND HE DOES? These two people make Hans Landa and Pennywise look like Mary Poppins. Is that the moral of story? The violence, the humiliation, the calculated disregard for anyone and anything other than themselves... It’s worth it for the hot sex? I’m not here to tell you the answer to that question, but I *am* here to tell you the sex isn’t even that hot. It’s aight. Elordi kind of manhandles her (again, closer to “Fifty Shades” than “Wuthering Heights”) and I have absolutely zero shade to throw at gals and guys who want to see that on the screen. But... To sell it as this tragic “romance”... They are the architects of their own tragedy. They’re not good people.
The other characters aren’t much better. Cathy’s father is a drunken wretch. I don’t even know what Nelly, her friend/servant/??? is doing in the movie. Cathy’s husband Edgar is the definition of a beta cuck. He genuinely loves her (I mean... It’s Margot Robbie. In the 1800s. If she walked down London Avenue [I don’t know any street names in London] men and women would turn into orgasmic mist just looking at her) but he’s the definition of a wuss. When he learns that his wife has been fucking Heathcliff on the reg, he says “Darling, you shan’t see that gentleman any more.” Edgar’s sister, Isabella, seems to be more thirsty for Cathy than Heathcliff is. Isabella makes Cathy a Georgia O’Keefe pop-up book for her birthday. Hats off, those are some serious arts and crafts skills, girl, but it’s the 1800s so yain’t gettin’ none from Cathy. Isabella and Heathcliff eventually get married, and they both do it to piss off Cathy. The entire movie is populated by horrible people that are impossible to root for. I guess it all leads back to the question... Is the hot sex worth it? I can’t answer that question for you. But if you think we’re talking about a “romantic” relationship, hopefully I can get you to examine *that* notion a little more closely.
The movie ends with Cathy’s death. I would have liked to see Heathcliff go mechagodzilla on the rest of England once he figured out that he basically fucked her to death. I would posit that he becomes jack the ripper, but, compared to Heathcliff, jack the ripper is too tame and empathetic for that to be true.
At what cost romance? $.69.
6.9/10